Now I’m thinking about the reason why we shouldn’t commit suicide. No, I don’t have any troubles doing so (this is true!). Accidentally, I have thought about Kurt Cobain, who is a key person from Nirvana, a legendary rock band and a symbol of my youthful days. As we know, he chose to kill himself. I thought he shouldn’t do so again. If he had lived, he could make greater music than he had made. It must be profound music… or he could live a happier life with his wife and children even if he couldn’t make music anymore. I hate the things that disturbed his life… even if all I could do is just to imagine the troubles he had.

On my bookshelf, I have a journal “A butterfly which has Eight-legs” by Okuba Nikaidou, a Japanese woman. The author Okuba Nikaidou faced difficulty to live seriously, and finally, she chose to kill herself. Today, I tried to read that book but I stopped doing so when I had read a few pages of it. I couldn’t stand it anymore. If I kept on doing so, I might be moved to death… Why we shouldn’t commit suicide? Yoshimichi Nakajima says “I was sad if you committed suicide. So suicide must be prohibited”. This must not be nonsense but have importance.

I had thought about why I should be alive and not commit suicide. Why… when I graduated my university, I couldn’t find any jobs so I thought I couldn’t live anymore and tried to kill myself. Or, when I was in the previous section, I got power harassment and had a lot of tasks which was not good for me, and I could do nothing anymore and committed suicide… I felt that I couldn’t live this sh*t situation anymore. When I got 40, I met true important friends and I could feel that my life was getting brighter. For the important friends, I can’t show miserable myself. So I keep on living, saying “I could die if I wanted to do” as Ango Sakaguchi says.

On my bookshelf again, Yoshimichi Nakajima wrote: “On loneliness”. He was a very smart person and graduated from Tokyo University, but he had had difficulty living when he was a child. He once tried to commit suicide and becomes a philosopher who has studied Emmanuel Kant. As he says, our effort sometimes doesn’t make fruits. Or we have to live a life that depends on our talent or beauty by nature. But… even if it doesn’t make sense, I keep on reading books and writing my journal and columns in English. Because I can’t stop doing so. Before thinking so, my hands move.

“If I love someone/I tell that straight emotion/to that person/because that is the reason why I was born” (Blankey Jet City “The color of water”).

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