Two and a half years of negativity.

I don’t know where to start.

I’ve been keeping a proper journal for around five years now – a few lines a day. I’m nearly done with it and I’ve got a new one to start in the new days. It’s been hell, the last few years especially. I immigrated and then my life started to go downhill. I made the mistake of trying to make new friends and even tried dating. First time in some years.

It ended badly. Constant problems with my neighbours (friends of my ex) and I have been struggling to find anywhere to move to. Money being the problem. My ex decided to create hell for me; harrassing and stalking me. I’ve lost a lot of friends, and I don’t have family in the area. The authorities are involved, court dates etc.

I’m stuck on benefits right now, and I’m looking for work. Finances are really tight, to the point I’ve used food banks. I’m doing some volunteering as well, but I’m still a little iffy with my referees being reliable. With everything going on, my mental health tanked this year to the point I got myself admitted for a short period. I did nothing Christmas Day, and I think I should have turned my phone off as I had no calls nor anyone to talk to.

I used to have a career. A house of my own. I was married. That chapter of my life closed after I was widowed.

I look at how my life is right now, and I can’t believe just how pointless it is. I’ve had so many negative comments, threats disguised as “jokes”, etc that I’ve started to believe it – that I’m a worthless nothing who would not be missed if I died tomorrow. Two and a half years of being treated like this.

Three days before the end of the year. All I want is a safe place to live, permanent work, justice for myself. But I don’t believe I’ll get any of this.