darkness surrounded by light.

i have been fighting a consuming darkness every day. i keep reaching outside of myself to find comfort on the inside. usually the things i do are destructive. i have gained back thirty of the forty pounds i lost. it makes me cry to think that i have lost all self control and continue to sabotage my goals and my health. and yet, i keep going back to food for comfort.

i have also been compulsively watching tv series during my break. i watched american horror story seasons 1 and 2, and now i’m obsessing over the characters and reading on wikis and just acting like a nutcase.

i am avoiding what can be done to make my life more manageable, such as getting my lesson plans done, preparing my quarter final (which i just found out yesterday is this friday), going to the gym, calling friends, trying to really help myself, but instead i just want to sleep and hurt myself. it is really hard. the worst part is that i hate being here, so it’s really hard for me to ask for help because i judge myself so much.

i know some tried and true ways to overcome this, but the disease in me fights recovery on a daily basis. i can look at all that i have to be grateful for. i can remember that god is here. that my soul in infinite and this is a journey, and remaining on the ground after a bump in the road is silly. i could start taking responsibility for myself and stop procrastinating and stop being gluttonous. i know i can, but somehow i just don’t DO IT.

anyway, i am going to list the things i’m grateful for before i stop writing this so i can stop crying.

i am grateful for my boyfriend who listens to me when i’m in this place and can stay positive when my mental health isn’t great. he is patient, kind, and comforting. he frequently gives me reasons to keep pushing and trying.

i have a job. i impact the lives of my students. i am able to truly care about them and want to support them. sometimes this gets lost in the day to day, trying to manage the entire classroom and therefore having to be stern, but i think i keep my heart in what i do.

i have a family that loves me and would rather hear about my struggles than have me take them out on them. i just need to figure out how.

i have NA which helps me live life better. meetings are available to me on a regular basis. i just need to make them a priority to reap the benefits. i get can honest with the people in NA and they won’t think i’m crazy. i just need to find a way to get honest in a way that is patient enough to hear some answers.

i have evidence that god works in my life. i have magical experiences and coincidences when i’m willing to see them. i often see them at phish shows, probably because i’m more relaxed, but in all honesty this stuff is probably always happening, i just don’t have the eyes to see it when i’m blinded by this self-inflicted fog.

i will wake up tomorrow and perform, despite the desperate feelings that i have today. but my performance will be more heartfelt if i come to a place to peace. the kids will be more able to feel it, anyway.

i am smart and can be very focused and productive at times. i just need to push myself to get to that place.

i do good work for others. i have empathy for people’s struggles naturally. i am sensitive to the needs of others. these are gifts, however painful sensitivity can be at times.

i have a car that works and just got inspected. i have all of my needs met. i may be overeating, but it is a blessing that i have food at all to nourish me. i have money in the bank. my nest egg is growing so i can put a down payment on a house. my bed is comfortable. poetry speaks to me. i have friends to whom i can connect on deep levels even when time and space come between us. i can run, jump, dance, sing, and hula hoop, even if i’m not the best. the worst of my physical ailments is a sore hip, which isn’t even that bad. i don’t often have achiness.

i have lived a good life.