dreams unwind

love’s a state of mind.

I have officially reread fourteen years of writing. I was so surprised when I heard that Open Diary had returned with the ability to restore it all. I had accepted the loss of all this writing long ago.

I must admit that it was a bit of a trip to reread it all. It took me about three weeks to read it. I could see the cycles I’ve been through. It was painful to read about my lack of self respect that began from a young age especially when it came to seeking romantic love. I sought the unattainable and allowed many boys/men to string me along and use me. I didn’t think I was worthy of more and wasn’t interested in those who wanted to give me more.

It is evident that this part of my life story had to occur to get to where I am today. I am coming up on nine years in my relationship. The little girl who yearned for love would have been surprised to see this outcome. My relationship is by no means perfect or what I imagined when I fantasized about love. It’s good though. It’s a partnership. we have supported each other in so many trials. We have built a life together with a home and a daughter. We both got clean together and have been living lives of integrity. There has been dishonesty and meanness, but we have been able to grow from it all.

Likewise, looking back has allowed me to see that while I have had clear signs of mild depression my whole life, it becomes worse when I’m going through trials and tribulations. Most of that derives from negative thinking and character defects.

As I work through a difficult time in my current life, I am reminded that I am not doomed to be depressed. I have opted to start taking medication for my depression despite hating it. I do have a lot going on in my life right now though. After a year of a fast progressing dementia diagnosis, my grandmother, who raised me had a stroke and died. I visited her weekly and it was hard to watch her mind fail her. She was my rock. She had taught and modeled resilience, support, care, selflessness, truth. She was evidence of god working in my life when all my prayers seemed to go unanswered.

I am going through transition at work. After two difficult years in leadership, I was told that my job would be posted and I should “feel free to apply.” They told me a variety of issues with my performance, including lack of professionalism, problems communicating, difficulty prioritizing and strategizing, not motivating my team, problems with confidentiality. I have felt like such a failure. This is paired with Mike starting a business in which he flips houses, which has been a learning experience, to say the least. A costly learning experience. So our financial stability is very uncertain. I’ve been interviewing a ton, and it’s so stressful and a bit demoralizing.

To top it off, I had shingles recently! Definitely stress related, but it was like the painful icing to a stress cake.

So I got on meds. They don’t seem to be working yet. I don’t want to be on them because I’d like to try to conceive so Kaylee can have a sibling, even though that’s kind of a crazy idea amidst all of the career stuff going on.

Anyway, I hope to be able grow from this difficult time. I want to relinquish my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and self-pity and replace them with faith, hope, and gratitude. This too shall pass.