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one of my students just said i looked like a demented penguin when i was dancing. then some eighth graders started whispering while i was hula hooping in the gym during leadership. it brings me back to when i was bullied in middle and high school, and i felt self loathing afterwards. why do i allow other people to detract from my feelings of self worth?

some days i feel secure. most i do not. i know i’m overweight right now. it bothers me a lot, and yet i’m really not willing to address the issue for whatever reason. i guess it’s a lack of planning on my part. i’m tired of repeating the same old song. i want to be good to myself, really good, and shine love to others, but beginning with me.

so please, universe, god, supreme reality. help my self love carry over into my relationships with others. please help me stand strong. do not allow me to equate my value with my outside appearance. please let me soul truly shine. i just want to be pure and i’m feeling really emotional. just two days ago i had this sanguine mood. i even wrote how happy i was to be alive as my facebook status, but these past two days, i feel the gloom setting in. i’m planning on stopping therapy today at my appointment because i do not feel like she is helping me. she talks too much about herself. she does not really "have what i want." she seems unhappy in her career, with her life. i need to stay on the side of gratitude and loving life, like my sponsor. i really love her and feel like she’s a good fit. i do not feel that way with my therapist at all.

i don’t know. i should probably go to the gym to try to work off this mood. i just really want to cry right now.