spring brings life.

you know, it makes complete sense to me why i would get seasonally depressed. i mean winter sucks the life out of everything. yesterday, i saw baby animals at a farm. their internal clocks tell them that once winter is done, new life can come. flowers begin to grow; trees begin to bud. some animals come out of hibernation. HIBERNATION: has that not been exactly what i have been doing?

it’s not perfect though. i am not fully transformed because the days are longer and the sun is brighter, warmer. something continues to lurk and hold me down.

i shared my fourth step with my sponsor on sunday. i totally psyched myself out, and i was able to be completely thorough with her. i told her everything, even things that disgusted me about myself and she did not see me as a monster. she just saw me as trying to work with what was given, but now that i’ve admitted these things, i can begin to move away from them and be who i want and am meant to be.

it was liberating to actually do it, but then i have been feeling kind of vulnerable and exposed since the whole thing and a bit apprehensive about calling her. i must believe that she isn’t thinking i’m this messed up person now that she’s had time to reflect and not make me feel judged and insecure… rawr.

anyway, i’m about to go to a music festival in florida. i am hoping that it’ll be spiritually enriching to be among like-minded people who are in recovery. we will also be going to another one with them next month. i am just hoping to stay really present.

i am already dreading returning to work on monday. i am also worried about the open positions in springfield. i have totally psyched myself out about going to one of the level 4 or 5 schools because i just don’t know if i can handle it. i feel this bogged down by the school i really wanted to work at….i just really wonder if i’m doing what i should be. is there some other way i can make my dream happen? is there some other way i can share writing as a tool to help kids make sense of life? can travel be a part of this? how can i reconcile the dream to travel with the desire to be there for my family and friends?

i have a lot of soul searching to do. it is lovely that teaching at least allows for some summer time in which i can travel and see music. i just need to find a way to make it more sustainable.

i am realizing i’m not sure if the other dreams are a match for me. do i really want to own a house? do i really want to have kids? are these my dreams or the ones that have been forced upon me?

i know i want to be making a positive impact on the world. i know i have certain skills available to me so far and maybe some that i haven’t quite actualized just yet. i know i love to write. i know i can teach. i know i have mad empathy and want to help kids. i think i am drawn mostly to older kids, although working with younger kids over the past couple of days was nice.

this freedom writers institute scholarship might help me put this all together…. we shall see, we shall see. for now, i just want to pack and try to get centered so i can really enjoy myself over the next five days and be refreshed rather than feel that weight when i return.