all this and nothing

Pride was a fantastic success, all things considered. I won the bet I had going with Devon, as Leighann did manage to drag herself out of bed an come with us, providing coffee as an early morning incentive. We left a tad bit later than planned, both of us wearing our home-made t-shirts (Devon’s said “Recovered heterosexual” and mine said “I don’t mind straight people as long as they act gay in public”) to pick up Ashley, all pile into my car and head downtown. We got there and it was already packed. Seriously. I have never seen such a busy pride, or a longer parade. I have no idea how many people were there, but it is the biggest pride celebration in the state, so I guess we get a lot of people from all over to our sleepy little downtown area. The downside was also an upside – I saw maybe 2 protesters, and separately. So there was no making out in front of them, as per custom. But I’m glad that they’re either keeping them at bay – or that finally (although I doubt it) people are starting to develop some tolerance for differences among humanity. One can only hope, right? Since we walked the whole parade route on our way to find a good vantage point from which to view the festivities, we walked an additional few blocks as the parade was winding down to have a drink at Georgies, then took a cab back to the car. The day was overcast, but not rainy, and by the time the clouds burned off it was suffocatingly hot. We dropped off the Flores sisters and Ashley back at Ashley’s apartment where they had left their car, then Devon and I headed home for a much needed rest/nap. We spent the rest of the evening relaxing in the dark, hydrating, ordering Chili’s dinner to go, finishing moonlight and….being proud. Something.

Sunday, Devon had wedding errands to do (this has been for a couple weeks and will continue to be until it’s over an every-weekend occurance) so I had the house to myself for a few hours, that I spent cleaning, nursing a dehydration headache, playing a game with my best friend and shopping. When she got home, I made dinner, and we ate and relaxed a bit before it was time for bed. We talked a lot over the course of two days, as per usual about future plans, wishes, hopes. We were both feeling a bit clingy in our own ways, and aside from the few hours of separation were never far out of reach. It was nice, comforting in its own way without being overwhelming or too much. There’s a fine line of balance in that, I think, to respect and understand the boundary between yourself and someone else – that having your own space doesn’t mean you don’t care for them or want them around. It’s a healthy thing to have, and I’m glad I finally get to experience it. I, for one, noticed last night how safe I felt, for no reason in particular. We were laying on the couch watching a movie (and by that I mean I was watching a movie and she was falling asleep) with her right arm tucked around me very snugly and my fingers just moving slowly over it) and I felt so calm, especially after a rather horrific version of a Monday imaginable. It was my idea of bliss that I didn’t even realize I had until then. I have these little moments sometimes when things just click, and I don’t even see them coming until they’re happening, and right there, and beautiful. I love those. After the movie was over, as she conveniently woke up for the last 20 minutes or so, we headed to bed, and had a moment before sleep came and took us away that was worth every second of stress the day had brought before it. Also, the apartment complex finally replaced my showerhead, so I actually have water pressure now instead of having to run around under the faucet trying to rinse off. It was a pleasant surprise, for sure.

Yesterday, I also got a very sweet message from Devon’s step-mother on Facebook, just basically saying the same thing her father had said to me a couple months back – we can’t wait to welcome you to the family, and we’re so happy you’ve made Devon’s life full and happy. It was much needed, and much welcomed sentiments from the family I’m starting to realize I was meant to have from the beginning. Sure, I didn’t grow up with them – but I don’t think I was meant to. I think that in order to grow into the person I’m becoming, a person I’m proud to be – I had to face the things that I did, and learn from them. I’ve made so many mistakes, and had such horrible errors in judgement in my life, but I’m finally well on my way down the path of learning from my mistakes and making sure they’re no longer repeated.

As of yesterday, as was a running joke, even though it’s not “official” on paper yet, Devon and I are co-habitating. We have done the life smash (tmi warning) to such an extent that we even started our periods on the same day – within hours of each other, actually. The joke was she couldn’t say she lived there until she had been there 7 nights in a row, and last night was the 7th one. It may not seem like a big deal, but it just sunk in right with me and made me smile. To say things are going well is a bit of an understatement. We’re still hashing out our adjustment period, getting used to the other, finding out how we both work both separately and together. But our communication is still good, our intensity is as strong as ever, and our commitment has never been greater.

I had a conversation with Dani yesterday about rushing things as opposed to waiting – I know where she stands on the issue, and I know how I feel, and I can understand both courses of action. Dani’s argument is to be sure what you’re doing and what you want before you do it. My position is…I am. But her interesting argument was what does waiting matter? If this is it, this is the person you want, then why does it matter if you do something now or later? Impatience, I guess. And I’m hardly alone in that. I don’t know how it will play out – there are vague discussions and running jokes and everything else, but no concrete plans yet Just ideas. We’re both full of ideas. I think that’s part of what makes this so incredibly fun. The ideas, the possibilities and all the open doors.

In the scheme of things, when you look at the big picture, life right now has its moments of stress, of sadness, of clarity – but is overwhelmingly good. It’s full of realities and dreams. I’m always gonna be a dreamer, but now – instead of chasing distant stars, I’ve got a pocket full of them, and I’m just learning to fly in the open expanse of sky, completely contented with what I have, not needing anything more and simply enjoying it.