for now *edit for music interlude*

For now, it’s not about the exact words that were spoken, but the words behind them, the smiles in the darkness, the drifting off to sleep on a comfortable patch of naked skin – the sharp intake of breath and lips that colide and then reintroduce themselves. Slowly. For so long, I’ve tried to write down every sentence, every feeling, every thought. I think I’m transitioning away from that. Yes, the words may fade, and I may not always remember the exact place you were when you told me you loved me, but I know the way my heart feels. I know the intensity we experience together, the safety and comfort of quiet moments, as you softly breathe behind me, arms wrapped tight as if to keep me from slipping off the side of the couch, watching a movie we’ve both seen a hundred times. The idea of family – of how long we’ve been waiting, knowing that up until this point we weren’t ready – we weren’t capable of being the way were are now, the reason we’re so good together.

I’ve thought a lot of us…of how its strange that I’ve seen you, slept beside you, woken up next to you, kissed you goodbye and hello every day for over a week, but I still miss you every day. The minor irritations I’ve come to expect from moving in together have yet to appear – your quirks, idiosyncracies are charming and adorable. Not annoying – not in the least. Your family, although we’ve never met – have all welcomed me with open arms and a listening ear for support, comfort and love. I feel loved – not just by you, but by the world that has surrounded you. Last night you told me it was so nice to finally have family here. I agree. And that for so long, you’ve lived under the wait of anxiety and stress, and how it all seems to have melted away. We both have moments. That makes us human – flawed, imperfect and beautiful. It’s how we handle those moments and the communication and late night conversations and making plans that makes what we have feel so special..rare. You’re turning into so much more than any of the titles we’ve created or imagined can do justice for. And I think you sense it…but I don’t know if you understand the full spectrum of exactly how much that means.

This weekend, long and all is shaping up to be special – despite what we end up doing, or what plans may form or fall apart, I can’t wait. It will be the fruition of a beautifully intense week, full of good news and bad – skunk smells and hospital visits. It will be about us, and we hardly need a reason to celebrate, it’s enough just to be. I say we make our own fireworks. I’ve been told to expect breakfast in bed and the claiming of my bet-winning full body massage. And I was told that I have free reign with you…that your “limitations” are quickly slipping away – and becoming irrelivant. The truth, however, is if even all this things slip away or don’t materialize – it will be beautiful regardless, simply because of the company. there is talk of dancing, drinking – movies. Something. There is talk of you and me, of life – laughter, and love. And so I look forward to the maybes, without focusing on the details, like my eyes are half closed and blurred in the lingering haze of sleep, just looking towards the passing of moments, taking each breath and smiling at the reality of what is…and the knowledge of everything that can be.

This is my absolute new favorite song. Although I’m torn by it…the lyrics are kind of depressing, in a way – but also hopefull. “I don’t have a choice, but I still choose you…I don’t love you, but I always will…” I’m wondering what y’all think this means…the duality in relationships….the balance between things. What do ya think? In some ways I see myself singing this song, or dancing to it at special occasions…on the other hand it doesn’t seem appropriate. But I can’t stop listening to it…AT ALL….and I’ve fallen in love with the music absolutely. Definately contending for my #1 spot for beautiful yet slightly depressing songs, previously held by “delicate” live by Damien Rice. Thoughts, comments, opinions?