Higher Standards
For someone who hates double standards of all shapes and sizes in others, I find it humorous that when it comes to double standards, I set the bar high myself. Not when it comes to other people I work or interact with, but with myself mostly. I hold myself to a much higher standard than I hold others to, and Im constantly pushing myself to do more. Im braced by this fear of failing, whether its grounded or not, so I consistently push myself to do more, or do better or just DO something. Anything. If I write 5 articles a day, I should have done 6 or 7. If I make $20 extra, I could have done better if I had just grabbed that other opportunity when I had the chance, and now its gone. Im constantly berating myself and pushing myself to my limits and beyond. Ive noticed it in miniscule amounts before now, but now its coming to light more and more.
In workouts, I sometimes see it as punishing myself to allow myself to get to this weight. Even though this is not the heaviest Ive been, its hard to be busting my ass daily with little visible result. Devon thinks we need to get rid of the scale, and truthfully it might not be the worst idea ever. I have lost a total of 4 ½ inches in the past month and a half, and I know that inches are more important than pounds when it comes to overall health. But I constantly push myself to do my workouts and exceed my goals to the limit, and sometimes it feels like Im doing it for nothing. Devon swears she can see huge differences in me, and I know Im in much better shape. Im stronger, and I have more endurance than I used to by far. I feel better about myself than I used to. I work out whether I want to or not twice a day on weekends, and every day during the week. Ive only missed two days in the last two months, and I beat myself up for those days too. Im up to 500 crunches and am able to do 200 at a time without stopping for a break twice every night. I do 40 minutes on the gazelle and always work up a huge sweat. I have completely revitalized the way I eat and what types of food I consume. Ive done everything I know to do, and Im just not seeing results the way I feel like I should, or the way I want to. Despite the differences in my body, Im starting to wonder if Ill ever fully be satisfied with myself, and the possibility of not scares me sometimes. I can be so hard on myself, and thats not exactly a healthy attitude to have.
In four weeks of independent writing as a freelance contractor, Devon and I combined have made over $400, and thats huge. If we can keep it up, we can easily have $1600 by the wedding, which will pay for almost everything on its own. But I constantly am checking for projects, and pushing myself to do things. The rush of being approved and making money is making me start to feel like its a new codependent drug of choice for me, but at the same time I do make sure that I take the time to relax. And then I feel bad for relaxing. But thats the inner battle I fight with myself constantly the need to do more, and push myself even further for the hope that something good will come out of it. I dont push anyone else like this- I dont think I could get away with it, and wouldnt even if I could. Finding the balance between exercising and working and everything else Im responsible for is definitely a challenge that I have to take on. Perhaps Im out of sorts because, between the two new things I do every day, I am at a serious cuddle deficit. Before, after a long day at work, wed both come home and curl up on the couch and pretty much stay there all night. Now, either on or both of us are writing, or Im working out, or doing some chores around the house. Life seems busy these days, with the wedding planning on top of everything else. Honestly, though, being busy like this gives me a sense of self-satisfaction that I think IS a healthy pride.
I just have to work harder at finding balance, and learn to let go of things and take things as they come, instead of worrying far in advance for things I cannot change or control. I need to realize that not all rewards are instantaneous, and hard work is required to achieve desired results. That just because I may be at a plateau with weight loss, Im still gaining muscle and making myself healthier. Its about balancing myself inside and out, and maintaining a healthy standard that I can continue at indefinitely.
Funny, though that Im so constantly hard on myself, when no one else is. Im not sure why that is Devons love truly is uncompromising and unconditional, and I dont need to impress her or make her happy. Im not constantly in fear of disappointing her. Im so grateful for that. I guess what Im afraid of is disappointing myself.