Merry-go-Round

Sometimes I get into these anxiety spirals that are hard for me to either predict or control.  You know that feeling you get in your chest when your heart speeds up for a few seconds because you’re nervous about something?  I get that when this happens, only there’s no reason for it.  I know the underlying causes, and I’m researching ways to reset and reconfigure the neural pathways in your brain that cause these uninvited thoughts, but I have had no luck yet.

I think it started yesterday.  Reading some of my old diary entries, recognizing how codependant and crazy I used to be, the behavior I used to tolerate and the way I spoke to people I cared about made a lot of old feelings resurface – feelings I don’t particularly enjoy.

In addition to that, these anxiety spirals usually happen after I take a moment to recognize and reflect on how happy I am, and how lucky I am to have everything that I have in my life – because my pessimistic and realistic nature makes me wonder what would happen if I lost them.  It’s like the feeling of waiting for another shoe to drop – things seem so good right now that it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong.  What’s it going to be?  My job?  What if something goes sideways health-wise?  What if something happens to me or Devon?  What if I get in an accident?  What if something goes wrong at work?  All these what ifs add up to massive amounts of anxiety which comes in waves that potentially could knock me over if I don’t see them coming.

In addition to that, I think at the root of everything, my insecurity is grounded in my lack of a self-esteem.  I think that somewhere deep down inside of myself (or sometimes perhaps not so deep) I don’t think that I’m deserving of the good things I have.  I’ve seriously messed up some previous relationships, so I probably don’t deserve the one I have that works and is healthy and fulfilling.  What if I’m not good enough to cut it in grad school?  What if my grades aren’t reflective of my actual abilities?  What if I can’t find a job in the field after I’m done with my education?  All of these thoughts just pop into my head uninvited when I’m in these moments.  Yes, it helps to recognize them and call them out.  Yes, it helps to acknowledge them, but the second half of acknowledgement is moving on – and I can’t seem to shake this feeling until it just goes away on its own, only to resurface worse than ever.

This cycle feels like a merry-go-round sometimes.  I just need to learn to step off.  No one is making me spin but me.