NJM #4 – superfluous

Hope becomes unnecessary in the face of absolute certainty” Devon.

It’s true, you know. It’s a habit of saying “I hope so” when a seed of doubt, not precipitated by any external force but solely in my own mind have an opportunity to fester. I don’t know why I suffer through moments of insecurity, even now. It’s not like I ask for them. Perhaps, it’s a sign of my humanity. Humanity by definition is the ability to question, to doubt internally things that externally seem likely. But it’s still true. Just because sometimes I question my ability, or my worthiness of deserving something beautiful does not make the reality of the circumstance any less true. The ability of perfect faith has not been something that has come easy to me. I’m finding how transparent my lack of ability to choose and have faith is in reality. I can understand and accept something without having faith in it. This is where my codependency, I think, is the most tested. The ability to trust in things which previously have proved to not be true. The ability to have faith in words and actions of the present when in the past they have fallen short. I think this is the crux and the turning point for me in continued and lasting recovery. I have narrowed it down to my weakest point, and despite how strong I may have become in other areas, this is where I still struggle, which means this is where my focus needs to be, and where my work truly needs to begin.

I’ve got so much swimming in my head right now, it’s amazing and I’m full of deep thoughts, and lingering questions on a variety of things and I’m reveling in the afterglow of a nearly perfect moment. I can take this moment and run with it, which is what I’m going to do, instead of wondering when the next shoe is going to fall. Why look for the bad, when there is so much beauty to focus on instead. I’m finding that the object of my focus or obsession is a choice. I can choose to simply be happy and accept the reality of my present while contemplating and planning my future – or I can live in a state of fear, wondering what’s going to happen, wondering about the unknown and worrying about how it’s going to come about – but what does that do for me now, except potentially make me miserable. With the passing of Samhein last week, I have made a conscious choice to change my focus – change my perception and focus on the beauty. I’m going to try it for a year, see how it goes – and by that point, it will hopefully be a habit already that I can carry through to the remainder of my life. Why worry, when worry changes nothing? It’s easier to get wrapped up in maybes and cautions and warnings – but then you miss the way the air smells when the seasons are changing. You miss the flock of birds overhead flying in perfect symmetry with no effort at all. You miss so very much when you spend your time worrying about things you can’t change. I’ve learned that recently. So, starting now, I vow to pay attention. Everything else is just…superfluous.