Bendy Monday *Edit*

Mondays always start in a little bit of a flurry for me. I have to swallow the overwhelming sensation of dread when I step up to my desk… I’m always afraid of the wonders that are waiting for me in the inbox after the weekend. This time of year is my busy season, and I frequently have clients travel over the weekend. I’m enough of a control freak to be concerned about the circus that could happen out of reach from my fingertips while I’m blissfully enjoying my time off. I only worry on the way to work, though… I pretend that I’m a unemployed heiress when I’m not at work. It makes my life easier. I try not to spend too much time with co-workers after work. I like them well enough, but I find that the conversation often swirls around "office-y" type things. I’d rather focus my energy elsewhere while I have the chance.

Husband and I had a bit of an awkward weekend. He returned home after a terrible week and proceeded to carry it with him throughout our two days together. Looking back, I could have been a little more sympathetic. If I feel that someone is acting out of character, I will bring it up. I am not the type of person to hide in the corner and lick my wounds quietly. I also won’t stew and save the confrontation for later…I will bring things up right then and there. After a variety of ridiculous little arguments, we finally settled in and spent a lovely evening together last night. It’s terrible that we squandered the rest of the time together, because I was pretty sad when my Handsome Tall Fellow went back to work… Now I’m faced with another week stretching out ahead, all on my own. You know, that sounds fairly melodramatic… I actually really enjoy having the time to myself.

The arguments this weekend reminded me of times shared with an old friend that I no longer speak with… Does anyone remember Anne? We had so many arguments in our Calgary apartment, and I was so disappointed that our friendship crumbled. I still see her once a year or so, mostly because we are still connected through my dear friend Minx. (My old college roommate: very, very dear to my heart…She lived on the East Coast for awhile, then moved back to the Prairies and in with Anne & I when Jenn moved out. We now work together at the same office!) Anne still has problems with the men in her life, and loses herself in them so completely. I can’t relate to her anymore. After Minx, The Tall Fellow & I moved into our own house, my phone would ring occasionally and it would be her. I learned very quickly that she had developed a pattern that involved me nursing her back to health from her problems. I would let her back into my life, spend time philosophizing and stargazing with her, she would meet someone else and suddenly disappear… Not answer any calls, or return any messages. Eventually, I learned to stop answering the phone. Or the door in the middle of the night… on Christmas Eve.

Anyway, I thought of Anne because Gregor and I were having one of our many little spats this weekend, and I was telling him my philosophy of pretending to be an unemployed heiress on the weekends, and suggesting that he do the same, rather than carry his bad week with him throughout our time together. His reply was "Not everyone is like you, Kim". It rocked me for a moment, because Anne had said the same thing to me once upon a time during her two year long breakup with Chad-The-Wonder-Schlong. At that point, I had pretty much had it with her moaning about, and being too depressed to work over her extended, ridiculous breakup with Chad that lasted longer than the actual relationship. I can’t remember the exact dates…But I’m fairly certain that they were together for six month, tops. Anyway way, the dude was not worth mourning for… He had treated her with utter disrespect, had cheated on her with one of his sister’s friends (…and she caught them together!!), he dumped her publicly, they had gotten back together, then the girl he had cheated on her with physically attacked her at a pub and Chad took the OTHER GIRLS SIDE and dumped her again! … I mean seriously, it was ongoing and totally ridiculous. The only reason that she couldn’t let go (Which I didn’t point out to her… See, I do have some restraint!) was because HE dumped HER. It was so simple. He was a total wanker and dumped Anne, who was beautiful and worshipped by men all over the city… I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t worked it out. I really wanted her to figure it out on her own. I don’t know if she ever did. Anyway, I digress… Where was I? Oh right, I guess I wanted to emphasize that at this point, I was pretty much done with the whole thing. So, one long day after work, I came home to discover that she had called in sick AGAIN for the third time that week, and was wrapped up in a blanket, watching Friends re-runs on the couch. We started out having a normal "How are you feeling" conversation, and I ended up saying something along the lines of "Blah blah blah, keep going, life doesn’t stop, pick up the pieces, carry on, blah blah blah". She replied to this by saying " Not everyone is like you, Kim", flouncing off down the hall with her depression blanket and slamming the door of her room.

… Having two people say to me "Not everyone is like you, Kim" in this lifetime rocks me a little bit. I don’t find myself to be ridiculously logic-brained. I feel things. I’m an artist at heart, and I definitely have strong emotions. I’m not blocked! I live open… Maybe it’s from Theatre School? We used to joke around and call it "Well-Being School" because you definitely learned to use past/present emotions when you need them, and let the rest go. We had to confront a lot of scary shit about ourselves in order to hone our craft… There were always tears in class. It could be that?  I don’t know if it comes from having seen trouble in my time, but I do get frustrated when people can’t see the answer that’s right in front of them. Although,  I’ve learned the hard way not to point it out for them… I know we all need to figure things out for ourselves. I just don’t understand how people get hung up on things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things… Anne dated Chad for what, six months? Why would she moan away for all that time? In the tapestry of her life, it’s nothing. Why would Greg let his terrible week pepper our time together? What does work have to do with us? Do I have this backwards? Could I have handled these things differently?

I guess I have outlets to curb negative feelings. I have yoga. I have theatre. I have my writing. I have this journal. It’s nice to be able to pour myself and my troubles into these things, and then be able to let them go. Maybe I’m making room in my mind and heart so I am ready for when the time comes to wrestle bigger troubles?…I know there are always alligators in the swamp. But that’s me. I know that everyone isn’t like me.

I’ve spent a lot of time learning about yoga… Maybe it’s time I learned to be a little more flexible.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Edit:

I’m attempting to re-teach myself how to add images to these diary entries. It’s been awhile. Anyway, I’m practicing with two random pictures I took before bed. I have a new nifty program that makes pictures look  vintage-y. It’s super fun to play with! So, if this works, prepare to be amazed by the amazingness that is my new haircut. If it doesn’t work, well… whoops?

Oh My Freaking Goodness. I think that totally worked. Did it work? 
Please remember that these are totally doctored artistic self-portraits… I’m not this vacant in real life.
Except when I wake up in the morning, pre-coffee.

Baha! This one went too! I’m a photo-adding GENIUS!

Now tell me the truth, Old Friends… Do I look older?
Wait! Don’t answer that.