A Little Sad

My father died 20 years ago. I’ve thought about him from time to time but never really missed him. I never really knew him well. Today for some reason, I was missing him. Dad was a disabled mechanic with a garage at the end of our driveway and he fixed cars for people. He was also an alcoholic and drank up all the money he earned.

My dad had a sixth grade education and was born with a club foot but inherited the alcoholism. But he was the kind of man that would go outside in the snow on Christmas Eve and climb up on the roof and pull a sled up one side of the roof and down the other side and all around the yard so that we would wake up in the morning and believe Santa had been there. Our house was the only house in the neighborhood that looked like Santa had visited.

He was flawed but he loved us. As a child, I couldn’t see that. Or I took it for granted. As an adult I miss him today.

Perhaps this is why I throw myself into my work. I like to keep moving forward. Always looking ahead. Sometimes looking back hurts. Even good memories hurt. I miss the way things were and people I’ve known that have moved or we’ve drifted apart. I don’t like change. Maybe it’s because I’m a Taurus and I don’t like change in general, or because I just click with so few people that when I do, I hate it when they move away.

This week, and the next few will be super busy and a real challenge, which I love. I’m launching a Christmas catalogue for customers, on top of the regular seasonal catalogues that go out to retailers, this will be consumer-facing. Because I just came up with the idea this past week, we are in a real crunch for this year.

I just feel really odd tonight. Just really melancholy. Even thinking about work isn’t giving me the normal boost it usually does. Ah well. I tried.