I’m not doing so good today.
I cried during Eating Disorder group therapy. And then broke down with the therapist who ran this group, after group was over and everyone left. The reason? Same as always. Ongoing dissociation and confusion in my head, where I can never maintain a consistent stable thread of thought relating to the global picture of who I am, what issues I’m dealing with, what’s happened in my past, and what my goals are. I just finish working out and trusting in my resolutions (of recovery and what’s going on)…only to have the carpet pulled from underneath me so I come crashing down, not knowing how I got here, or even who I am. I do rationally know who I am and how I got here (although I do have to think about the answer longer than it takes most people)….but I completely FEEL like I don’t know who I am, what I’ve experienced in life, and how or why I got here.
It’s EXTREMELY disturbing to having shifting thoughts and beliefs like this.
Also, I find out today that "ED challenge" group which used to reserved for people who were near the end of their admission and had made significant progress…..is now for EVERYONE on the eating disorder program. Once a week, as a whole group, we go on a "food challenge outing". We discuss beforehand where we might go. Like a cafe (to order coffee and
cake) or we can order in a pizza, or we can go to an icecream parlour. Apparently we are supposed to participate and agree to order something. Not really nice when we as patients have to pay for it, and I’d be ordering something and then freaking throwing it in the trash.
My freaking god.
I have money issues and food issues. Combined, these 2 issues DO NOT GO WELL.
It’s enough of a challenge to go out socially with 9 other girls/woman. Not to mention sitting in a food establishment. NOT TO MENTION after all of that, ordering freaking challenging food. No way can I do that this week, so soon.
I just can’t.
I’m still not eating any meals. and finally the nursing staff have stopped giving me menu plans and are filling them out for me.
I wonder if my doctor will order the naso tube to start tonight. I hope so, because I’m feeling a lot dizzy and physically weak. and I want the comfort of knowing I can rely on naso, at least for a while.