Day 2 – hospital inpatient

I’m not doing so good today.

I cried during Eating Disorder group therapy. And then broke down with the therapist who ran this group, after group was over and everyone left. The reason? Same as always. Ongoing dissociation and confusion in my head, where I can never maintain a consistent stable thread of thought relating to the global picture of who I am, what issues I’m dealing with, what’s happened in my past, and what my goals are. I just finish working out and trusting in my resolutions (of recovery and what’s going on)…only to have the carpet pulled from underneath me so I come crashing down, not knowing how I got here, or even who I am. I do rationally know who I am and how I got here (although I do have to think about the answer longer than it takes most people)….but I completely FEEL like I don’t know who I am, what I’ve experienced in life, and how or why I got here.

It’s EXTREMELY disturbing to having shifting thoughts and beliefs like this.

Also, I find out today that "ED challenge" group which used to reserved for people who were near the end of their admission and had made significant progress… now for EVERYONE on the eating disorder program. Once a week, as a whole group, we go on a "food challenge outing". We discuss beforehand where we might go. Like a cafe (to order coffee and cake) or we can order in a pizza, or we can go to an icecream parlour. Apparently we are supposed to participate and agree to order something. Not really nice when we as patients have to pay for it, and I’d be ordering something and then freaking throwing it in the trash.

My freaking god.

I have money issues and food issues. Combined, these 2 issues DO NOT GO WELL.

It’s enough of a challenge to go out socially with 9 other girls/woman. Not to mention sitting in a food establishment. NOT TO MENTION after all of that, ordering freaking challenging food. No way can I do that this week, so soon.

I just can’t.

I’m still not eating any meals. and finally the nursing staff have stopped giving me menu plans and are filling them out for me.

I wonder if my doctor will order the naso tube to start tonight. I hope so, because I’m feeling a lot dizzy and physically weak. and I want the comfort of knowing I can rely on naso, at least for a while.

Log in to write a note

You want nasogastric? Its the ANTI christ for anorexics! Losing TOTAL CONTROL?!?! It seems to me like you are purposely refusing meals to MAKE your doctor put you on naso… So you can prove to yourself and to others how sick you are. To prove you have a problem, like you don’t think you have one until you are being ‘force’ fed… 🙁 You aren’t there for the aim of recovering or even stabilising

… you want to get WORSE before you get better. What is the point of being there then?! 🙁

October 2, 2006

i don’t know how close you are with the person who left those last comments, but try ont to let them analyze, diagnose, or define you. If we can relate to EDs in any way, we shouldn’t be telling you how you feel. It makes sense to relate, but we aren’t stable enough to do more than that. This is just my opinion, but I think you should go at your own pace and figure your own stuff out. Good luck!

October 2, 2006

I have to agree with Kel, why do you want the naso? You were eating more at home from the sounds of it than you are now… I get understand you feel pressure to live up to the title now you’re there, but honestly… Take care of yourself. The whole ‘challenge’ sounds like it could be a bit of a b/p trigger, rather odd they’d have you do that straight away.

October 2, 2006

minus the ‘get’ in the above sentence. I shouldn’t have three drinks and then starting noting people!

October 2, 2006

*big hugz*

October 2, 2006

look, i don’t want to gang up on you b/c i don’t think you need that right now, but really, if there was ever a time for you to push yourself to get better, this is it. instead it sounds as though you are being unusually resistant. of course treatment is going to be challenging, but why not make the best of it, and get as much out of it as you can?

October 3, 2006

Elizabeth you are in hospital to learn how to eat. Ignoring the food is only going to make it harder and harder for yourself. Take a leap of faith. Eat.

October 3, 2006

You have to challenge yourself or you aren’t going to get anywhere. The world isn’t going to end if you eat a slice of cake – I promise you that. You might feel bad for a while, but you have to feel bad to learn how to deal with those feelings and self-soothe. Please eat Elizabeth. It’s now or never. This is your change to leave all the depression and dissociation behind you.

October 3, 2006

what the deuce is with the first note? is that helpful? yikes. when someone needs to learn how to ride a bike, you don’t throw them onto a unicycle in the middle of the woods. it starts with training wheels, a spotter, and a helmet. challenge yourself, Elizabeth, but take advantage of all the steps you can take on your way there. xox *~