I am just an ornament on your shelf

I didn’t change you. I gave you the space to be your true self. And in that space, you revealed only your worst. Without boundaries, you took advantage and abused me openly. My vulnerability didn’t soften you. It fed your demons. You showed no restraint as you tore away my sense of self.

You destroyed me. Over time, resentment grew. I tried to hurt you the way you hurt me, but I couldn’t. Because I loved you. How could you do this to me? Did you ever feel the same? You walked away untouched while I completely unraveled.

You had to rewrite the story, play the victim just to sleep at night. I couldn’t sleep because you were in my head. You made me the villain when I didn’t deserve it. I gave you everything, and you took it all, leaving me with the misery you couldn’t carry. Pain you handed to me like it was mine to hold.

It drained me. Running, circling, playing endless games of what if, trapped in self doubt.
Why am I only satisfied when the thing I love can bite?
Is my only purpose to fix everyone else with pieces of myself,
leaving holes where I need healing the most?
Where is my dignity?

I learned early that to be good, you must be quiet. And while I rebelled, it was only ever in silence. I found life in the broken. I saw the parts of myself that needed healing and gave them away, hoping that if I poured enough of me into someone else, I would finally feel worthy.

You think I hate you, but it is me I cannot stand.
I would rather feel pain than live without you.
I wish I could be strong enough to demand the love I covet.
But I cannot, because I do not deserve it.
Not unless I have given my life to earn it.

Will it ever be enough? Every time I try to fix it, I make it worse.
I enable and call it love.
It sounds noble, but it is just a beautiful excuse to stay broken
A distraction from the truth that if I can make you better, maybe I will feel better too.

I have never been selfish enough to save myself.
If I became something better, would I still offer it to the world or to you?
Is grief the only thing I have left to give?