parachute drop

I didn’t cry yesterday, the first time since we broke up. I am trying to be kind to myself, to let myself do things even if they are weird or uncomfortable. Cry as much as I want, press my body against the walls of my old apartment, stand in places with lots of his energy trying to soak it up before it dissipates. 

But yesterday I didn’t do any of that, just focused on myself and getting settled and enjoying the second day of a three-day weekend. Saturday I unpacked my room, and yesterday I unpacked the boxes and boxes of kitchen stuff I had stuffed in the closet. It took four hours but it is all unpacked now. 

Afterwards I met up with Chelsea and Nick to see an outdoor screening of ET in the park. They got there later than me, unfortunately, because about a half hour before the movie started, SOMEONE FUCKING JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE IN AN ET OUTFIT AND PARACHUTED DOWN TO THE MOVIE. I am not joking. I thought it was a joke, but it wasn’t. They had blocked off a section of the field that no one was sitting in, and that’s where the ET person landed. 

I thought Portland Zine Symposium was fancy for doing  a balloon drop… these guys did a parachute jump! 

It was pretty ridiculous and I was really sad that Chelsea and Nick weren’t there to see it. I was freaking out laughing in disbelief. So strange. 

I also saw a shooting star while the movie was playing. 

Other developments: I found out two days ago that the radio station where Kristin and I (and formerly Kirsten, Chelsea, and I) have been doing our show for the past 5 years is shutting down. Taken separately this would be a big deal, but this seems like the least of my worries in terms of everything that is changing and shifting for me right now.

Also, my parents have decided to put our family dog to sleep next week. It’s tough because he seems mostly happy and carefree, but he can no longer hold his bladder at all and requires 24/7 care. My sister is in total denial about it and these past few months has let him sleep in her bed, getting up twice a night every night to take him out because she knew that was the only way he would be kept alive. But it’s been going on for months and my parents can’t deal with it anymore. His death day is Thursday.

I was telling someone else that I feel like I’m undergoing pangaea, like the plates of my earth are just shifting around and everything is suddenly looking very different. Things are dissolving and hopefully new things will crop up in their place but for now it is all in flux. 

Overall, I still feel surprisingly numb. I remember feeling like my heart was broken when I was 17/18 years old, and it was such a deep physical pain. I don’t feel that now. I feel somewhat numb and extremely weird, but I don’t feel heartache in the same way. Am I just older now? 

One thing I have not felt is regret. I have not once thought about our decision to break up and wanted to undo it. In fact, I’ve been listening to lots of break up songs (if you have a good one let me know) because next week on our radio show, we’re doing a break up episode, and a lot of them talk about wishing and hoping that their ex will come back to them, which I don’t identify with at all. 

Another thing that has surprised me is how easy it has been for me not to talk to him. I am really surprised by this since we typically talk every day, and I usually get really anxious if we don’t talk, but we haven’t talked since he left five days ago, and it feels fine. I have no desire to call him. 

Part of me feels like I had been bracing for this separation for so long that I didn’t realize how independent I had gotten. I haven’t felt connected to him for weeks, so in a way this almost feels better since we at least are both on the same page. Before, we were having half-hearted conversations that left me feeling weary and sad because it just felt like we were in such different places. But now we aren’t talking at all and we’re both re-focusing our ideas of what it means to be Katie and Eric, separately. 

There is more pain and hurt coming for me, I’m sure of it. I had a realization when I was unpacking some of the things in my room and came across my winter gear—it’s going to be a hard winter. The sight of my skiing gloves made me lose it almost immediately. Being able to spend winter at the cabin surrounded by snow is definitely something I’m going to miss. 

OK just a few more things. 
Goals/Coping Mechanisms for the next few months:
-Read more.
-Write more.
-Learn how to roll sushi.
-Make zines.
-Establish an exercise routine.
-Yoga.

I need to find ME again. It is scary, but also exciting.