slowly, slowly

YESTERDAY was hard, it’s like the pain is coming at me slowly, slowly and sometimes it just feels completely crushing but most of the time I don’t feel it at all. Except yesterday, I was feeling the pain yesterday. 

I met with my new therapist for the first time, and it was surprisingly good. I have a problem with therapists- I keep trying to use them but I always have a hard time opening up and being honest with them, and I can’t stop myself from thinking about what they’re thinking as I’m talking and how what I’m saying is shaping how they perceive me, and it gets all confusing and I get self-conscious and then I just stop talking. Anyway, Kirsten told me to just think of them as a person, so I was trying that, but I also just had SO MUCH TO SAY that as soon as I sat down, we jumped right into it. I had been having a tough morning regardless and was crying on the car ride there/while sitting in the waiting room, which of course she noticed. 

Anyway, I REALLY liked her a lot- she was honest with me and transparent about what she was doing and how she felt about my situation and we seemed really on the same page about a lot of things. But of course, it wasn’t even supposed to be a "real therapy session," just a quick intro to see if we were a good fit and if she’d be able to help me (which she thinks she can.) So I left feeling like I was trying to close up a floodgate that had been inadvertently opened. I was really weepy and crying for hours afterward, going over all the things in my relationship that bothered me and drove me nuts and made me feel shitty. On top of it, I am having a SUPER BUSY WEEK AT WORK, so I really need to FOCUS, which has been extremely difficult.

So the day/afternoon/evening was hard, and I spent a lot of time moping around and crying and recording audio diaries and listening to sad music. It was exactly one week since we’d broken up, and it was the first day when I didn’t have plans to see any friends in the evening or something fun to do after work. (I’ve been keeping myself REALLY BUSY.) Knowing that I was facing a long night alone and craving sugar since I hadn’t had any in awhile (a couple of days, which is a LONG TIME FOR ME), I hopped on my bike and rode to the bakery a couple of miles from my house. I got a piece of coffee cake for the morning, an amazing cookie made of sugar, egg whites, and coconut, and the most amazing macaroon I’ve ever had in my life. Then I biked over to the park, sat beneath a giant statue of Ben Franklin and ate my treats. 

It was a beautiful night. The sun was setting pink behind the trees, the clouds were wispy across the sky. It was starting to cool off after a long, hot day, and the breeze felt amazing. I sat nuzzled into a bench built into the bottom of the Ben Franklin statue and wrote a little bit in my journal, but mostly just sat and watched the sky. I wrote down coping mechanisms and reminders to get out of my house. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE EVERYDAY. It is really, really important. Afterwards I felt SO MUCH BETTER and it’s hard to know whether it was the bike ride, the sugar, the fresh air, or the combination of all three that really turned it around. 

Came home and read tons of zines (I am trying to read all the zines that I want to send Kirsten before I send them…. ) which was really awesome and inspiring and affirming. And then I SLEPT. I slept hard. The whole night through. Which almost NEVER happens. I almost always wake up in the middle of the night to pee, but not last night. I was feeling so cozy and safe in my bed, and I even woke up feeling refreshed about 15 minutes before my alarm. 

Anyway, I’m hoping for a better day today. I have a lot of work to do, and then I’m meeting up with Regina for (really expensive) yoga. I was trying to convince her to lead us through a flow in a private session since she’s a yoga instructor, but she really wanted to try out this class at a studio, and I didn’t want her to feel like I was taking advantage of her. I’m actually pretty excited, I’ve been getting so into yoga lately and the combination of the MOVEMENT of my body and the MEDITATION that goes along with it is so healing and grounding, and it just really makes me feel great (even if the class is $17, which I would never pay normally!!!)

IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OK. Most of the time I believe it. Sometimes it’s harder to see than others. BUT: On Friday I am flying to the east coast, where I will be met with my parents and my sister. Hopefully during the weekend we’ll be able to meet my friend’s new baby. And then I’ll be at work the entire next week just focusing on that. And the next weekend my besties Stephen and Paul are going to come down from Philly to visit me in DC! I haven’t seen Stephen in years…. I am almost beside myself with excitement. We are going to tear it up, for real.