Our government recently paid its people close to a $1000 as part of its economic stimulus package. I used mine to pay two weeks rent. It now appears that B has surreptiously spent his on his secret affair with heroin.
When he received it he told me that he was considering giving me part of it. I didn’t push him, I was just glad that he had his own money to spend. I have had my suspicions about whether or not he has been using but have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as three weeks has passed since he was paid the money and he hasn’t asked me for anything.
This week I became suspicious when he radically changed his mind about taking his son to the Easter Show and then again yesterday, when he seemed reluctant to add credit to his mobile phone today.
I regressed right back to my pathetic despair at being lied to about his ‘not’ using and that I had eagerly wanted to believe those lies. I asked him why he didn’t respect me enough to be honest with me. He said it was because he respected me so much that he didn’t tell me. I told him that it was his lies that hurt me the most. He said that I was lying to myself, it was the using that hurt me the most.
He threatened to leave, I begged him to stay because I didn’t want him to score again. He told me to stop asking questions, to stop talking, to stop crying or he would leave. I just laid on my lounge and tried to hold back my tears, my little baby girl stopped running around in her normal active way and tried to lay down with me. She patted my arm and looked into my eyes. I slept intermittently throughout the evening, I felt so exhausted. He left me on the lounge as he went to bed and said, I’m sorry I have disappointed you so much.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a job. I am seven months pregnant. I am supposed to be leaving him with my daughter. I just checked his mobile phone and found that one of his junkie friends has contacted him about having a ‘coffee’ tomorrow. I don’t want to leave her with him. So tomorrow morning I am going to have more fireworks as he thinks I am being overly dramatic about not letting him look after her unsupervised.