unspoken

The filter that uncontrollably covers your mouth like tape, because your to scared to speak up. To scared to speak your truth, to scared to be rejected, to scared to feel unwanted like a burden. The way you’ve always felt going through life since the first time you could remember a memory. Nobody talks about that. How alone you feel even though your surrounded by love, by so many people. The way you never feel you belong, but you sit up straight with a smile on your face and laugh about the chaos in your head. The numbness you feel to the loudness in your head that you cant control. The buzzing like a light bulb wanting to burst. The tightness in  your chest that feels like somethings clawing to get out. The frustration of the tears uncontrollably pouring out like lava from a volcano. Burning from the inside out making you want to scream to the point of not being able to scream anymore. Just for you to stop and look around, just to take a breather and you realize the world is still moving on. The world will move on without you. You still have to get up and pretend to hold it together because your an adult and if you don’t your considered a mess. Considered broken, and no one wants broken. Days, weeks, months will go by and your still not okay but your expected to be. How long is an acceptable time to heal? Like robots your expected to still get up and move on with your life like your heart wasn’t ripped from your chest 8 hours ago. Going into your 8-5 dazed and confused but not the good kind. Because you haven’t had time to process your loss. A loss you only have yourself to blame. & when you finally do process the loss, a darkness consumes you. Just like the alcohol consumed you. No one talks about that. The alcohol consumed your life before your life could even start. & then you let it consume your entire life, when thats all you ever hated about your childhood. The way a wave consumes the ocean over and over again. Yet it’s still not talked about. The silence thats so loud, but can’t be heard. Everyone surrounding you telling you that your the strongest person they know. That they are proud of you. That you are loved. But what do they really know? No one talks about how blinded your friends can be because you’ve let consumption be apart of who you are. No one talks about how trauma affects your behavior until you find someone that genuinely cares about you. Sees you from a different perspective than the people you’ve surrounded yourself for years. & thats when it hits you. Like a brick in a wall. You’ve became everything you’ve always hated. & all you have is yourself to blame. So you get up and continue to be strong but to realize you finally lost that spark. That light everyone loved about you. No one talks about that. & they never will.