01/25/2012

This is a very packed semester at NIE, with 15 odd big and small assignments to complete in 6 weeks, plus presentations for some of them. It’s gonna be crazy.

In other news, I’ve asked to have my Sat lessons at the tuition centre stopped. The class size has dwindled down this year to only an average of 2 students per class, and with that number of students, I can get higher pay with more flexibility with private tuition. Plus, I feel kind of guilty as I haven’t had the time to prepare my lesson materials for these classes like I used to in the past. Nowadays, it’s just practice paper after practice paper. Even I’m bored with my own lessons, much more so for the students I would presume. So I figured it wasn’t fair for them to have a teacher who ain’t committed, and I really feel tired having tuition every sat from 9am to 2pm, with only half hour break in between. As for the number of pupils, there were a handful who changed to a weekday class, and a few who switched to another outlet. I know I haven’t been the greatest teacher to them, so I should just blame myself. But on the other hand, before this new manager came, things was much better, and the centre would always try to help the teachers retain the pupils. For my Thursday Math class that I have not stopped, cause the Math materials are provided by the centre, I used to have more students as another teacher and I were each taking a handful of them at the same time slot. But this year, they added yet another teacher (all 3 of us now teaching P6 Math at the same time), and some of my students were taken out and put into the new teacher’s class. Somehow, the manager seems quite close to these new young teachers, and I just feel like they’re trying to take as many students out of my hands as possible.
Joanne used to complain to me a lot about the politics there, and I just listened and wasn’t really part of it. But now I feel like I’m in there, and I kind of want to get out. She’s been saying that she wants to quit soon. I think if she leaves, I’d stop my last class too. They can take all my students if it makes them happy.

On another note, I’ve decided that apart from searching for some private tutees, I’m gonna volunteer as a free tutor for a couple of needy students too if possible, or perhaps help some children in some reading programme. (ilovedance, you inspire me! =)) I have a few pages bookmarked, but let me have a few Saturdays off work for the time being first!  And of course, I’d call CSL again and see if I can visit them when all the NIE nightmare ends. They didn’t reply to my email, and everyone’s been so caught up in our work that I don’t think we’d find time to go down even if they allowed. I was thinking of the week of 20th feb, where we would have a small break before practicum starts.

I’m quite horrified myself to think that perhaps it was really a good think that his proposal was a flop and I said no. I’ve been thinking… and despite how much I love him, the feeling that perhaps we’re really not for each other gets stronger. Perhaps my ideals of the relationship I want is too far-fetched, but there are so many things that get to me on a daily basis.

I’m one who loves fiercely. But if you don’t show me your love, neither would I. The more you show me that you love me, they more you would see that I love you too. At the same time, I am aware of how selfish that sounds.

And then there’s the past unhappy events that I just cannot put down. I know all about the thing about not bringing up past unhappiness during quarrels as it does no one any good. But sometimes I don’t even need a quarrel to spark off those thoughts. Because they were never settled in the first place. Time and again when I bring things up because I’m still hurt, he just continues to sweep them under the carpet. Compounded hurt, hurts more. Because I can never convince myself that he loves me as much as I wish he would. All the things that he has no explanation nor excuse for, and I, someone who is so logical and emotional, cannot find any excuse for him. He asks me to stop talking about those things, even though I’ve told him that I’m not over them because we haven’t settled them. And then, there’s nothing again. It stops there and the next time, they would surface again.

I wish he could feel the pain that I’m in fiercely tells me how much he loves me and show me how much he is willing to give up for me, how much it hurts him that I have misunderstood him, and how he yearns to make me a happy woman.
But in reality, he isn’t even willing to bear with a bit of heat and go without the physical comfort of an air-conditioned room simply because I don’t like sleeping in air-conditioned rooms. It’s not as if his room is that hot anyway. He would feel the chill in my hands and rub them. But give up on this expensive comfort that only he enjoys on a daily basis, no way! How much love is that?

When I was unhappy the other day, he asked me what is it that I wanted. I told him I wanted him to show me that he loves me without me telling him what to do. There are things he knows I want or expect from him, not physical things. But he would never do them if I do not specifically ask for it. If I ask for it once, it would occur once, and then that’s it. Is it out of obligation or love?

All the small little things, all the huge things… it’s one humongous mess in my heart.

I thought a couple together should complement each other, bring out the best in the other. But for us, I think he makes me an ugly woman inside. I don’t like feeling all these emotions, sometimes mad and jealous, sometimes hurt and sad, sometimes guilty that I’m not a more understanding and giving partner. I don’t know what I make him, but I definitely do not bring out the best in him. We’re often so lethargic together and we breed that lethargy everyday.

Would it be greedy to yearn for someone who inspires me and lifts me high, pushes me on for every obstacle in my life with a smile and encouragement? Someone who shares the same hope for the future, shares the same lofty aspiration, not of earning loads of money, but for surviving happily with what little money we make and yet have the heart to spare some cash and love for people we don’t even know, animals even. To be working together like that, to glance at each other and see the light of joy in each other’s eyes to be fulfilling a common dream together.

Sounds too perfect to be true. Maybe that’s why it isn’t. But that isn’t even the main problem with us. If I can convince myself, or better still, if he can convince me that he really loves me, then perhaps every other thing would not be a problem at all.