06/14/2013

When I saw SQ’s note and when D asked me how I was cause of the previous entry she had read, I realised how I always write only when I’m upset. When the days are good, I seldom pop by OD anymore. It has become a place I enter when I’m so down the urge to pen down my thoughts become so strong.

I have to apologise. I’m really not so down all the time. Those emotions are very real, but they pass. Those few days, I happened to be sick, and felt no love at all. Perhaps he’s just busy, I tell myself.

Sometimes I feel that we’re both lying to ourselves, and I sometimes think that we might be better off as friends as I keep trying to search for the love in his eyes, in his actins. But at times, I try to convince myself that with little things he do sometimes that his love is just different from mine, but doesn’t necessarily make it less.

People say a couple’s love would never be equal. Some 40-60, some 30-70. I have always yearned for a love that was more than I could give. I’d rather feel guilty for loving him less than having him love me less. I think I got the worse end of the deal. But who knows, he could be thinking the same, if he does give any thought to our relationship at all.

But don’t get me wrong, there are lots of happy times. So for people who are concerned, I’m generally happy. For now. Thank you for your love, but I don’t like talking about the down times I write in here outside of OD.

With the exception of him. If only he would try to talk to me about things… about us… about our problems.
I wish.