In a loop.

The woes I had as a teenage girl growing up in a dysfunctional family have come back to haunt me once more.
The thing I have always wanted to escape from the most has always been what I was born with,  born into.  We have had our ups too, this family, a long time ago.  But memories are faint, while the wound that I thought had closed years ago seems to have split open with a vengeance.

And you.  My lifesaver,  I had thought… my Prince Charming, who was supposed to bring me away from this place to start anew and help me believe again in what we know as family. I thought I had it figured out. I thought we could do it better than they did and that we would have a ‘happily ever after’.  But instead, you have opened another new world of raw pain.

7 years of commitment to you,  7 years of craning my neck for your sign of commitment since the very first moment your lips touched mine, the moment which you had forgotten. But you don’t seem to understand that commitment means much more than not looking at or thinking about other women.

And once again, I feel it once more. The need to run. To run away to somewhere far away, to seek an easier way out. Maybe it runs in the family.

I want to slip away to the end of the world,  where there would only be stretch after stretch of fallen snow, and a light so bright. And I would slip away from your memories,  and become a story never to be told. 

But then I will not. And I will stand again, I know, be it alone, or with someone beside me. Be it with you, or with someone else. Be it with what is left of the family I was born into, or with a family I build together with someone. I will stand. Won’t I?