shudup

I got upset with him when he came back after dinner with some friends just now. Not for meeting his friends, of course. I learnt that he gave them a treat, and when I asked "You treat people again?" He replied "$60 only ma." At that moment in time, I felt my face grow hot.

It might sound like I’m some stingy woman who wants to control her partner’s use of money. But honestly, I have nothing against him giving friends or family a treat if need be. Friends who has known me for some time should know that I’m actually pretty easy-going about money, in the past. I don’t mind giving friends a treat if it isn’t taken for granted. I buy the best food that I can get for my pets. I donate money to the elderly or buy tissues from those elderly who sell them when I see them. But all these was when I could still afford to, didn’t have to worry about savings, about loans or what nots.

Since I’ve returned from Australia, a lot of my meals were paid for by friends when I met them for meals. Sometimes they insist, even if I say that I have enough. I hate to be eating off them now, but I know that they know I will reciprocrate when I’m back from my studies and really start to earn my keep. But for now, I know my limits. If I cannot afford to, I can’t.

Why should I stop him from treating his friends? I don’t. I just don’t understand why he has to offer to pay all the time. Most of those friends are working as well. And some of them aren’t tied down by so much financial issues as we are now.

Sometimes his family make him pay, like that $400+ meal we had at that restaurant, shark’s fin and all. Sometimes the AOs, him being one of them, are made to pay for the expensive meals the officers want to have. Even if sharing with other AOs, each of them have to fork out at least $100 each time. Then there’s your friends. And then there’s me.

Granted, he usually pays when we eat together. But since that $400+ meal, I had told him that we should eat in for the following two weeks or so. Maggi mee or home-cooked meals will still fill us up. But even when I asked to go to the foodcourt for our dinner, he insisted on going to a fast food restaurant instead.

At the end of the day, he can spend. He still has that bit of cash from his salary. He can afford to.

I just see the promise of saving $2000 a month during the holiday going down the drain. He promised me when we were still in Australia. Actually, I didn’t think $2000 was very practical. I would have been happy if he could save $1000. Now, I doubt he could even save $500, not each month, but for the entire 3 months period.

Ultimately, I guess it’s not the $60 that upsets me. It isn’t even mine. It’s the ‘only’. It’s his immaturity. It’s his not keeping to his word.

Friends say that since I know what he’s like, then I should treat his promises as music, or rather, farts. Listen and forget about it. Since I know that he doesn’t keep his word, why hold expectations of him based on what he had promised?

You know how is it when you know that you shouldn’t believe someone, but you ultimately still hope that you can, that he still can be trusted. Perhaps only stupid people will believe. Again and again.

Maybe the more you disappoint, the less stupid I will become. Maybe.

He said sorry, he said that he would only say something when he really can do it in the future. Do I hear another promise? He said it’s ok if I don’t want to listen to his promises, he would show it to me. No no no. Don’t tell me this. Once you say it, I will keep waiting for you to show me something. Shut up. Just shut up.