#100

I love the way my days have been going lately. For a little over a week now, I believe. Possibly longer. I’m not sure, to be honest. But I’m feel very capable and very much ‘my own’ lately.

With school I hang out with who I want to, when I want to. I only let relationships go as far as I feel like they should w/o letting people press me into other ones. I do this a lot with Amy, actually. I talk with her without letting myself get wrapped up in her too much. She very much has a damsel-in-distress sort of ambience to her and I’m pretty strongly drawn to that sort of thing. But I’m not allowing myself and I’m deliberately distant from her just enough to keep myself out of that drama. But close enough to help in my own way. It’s weird, though, because it’s affecting our relationship and I think she senses the coldness from my end, heh. People are usually good at picking out things like that even if they don’t know exactly what they’re feeling or why they’re feeling it. It’s strange but most people do it really well. That’s ok, though. I don’t really want to get close to her or to anyone else right now, not like that. I’ll help from a distance because it suits me to. Same with everyone else.

I go out when I want to go out lately. No one commands me. No one forces me but me. I work with the system because I chose to. When I don’t want to, then I won’t. I’ll go out and do my own thing. And it’s good to do so again rather than to worry about the things around me.

I feel at ease lately, too, much because of that. If I need to go out at night and just listen to the sway of the trees and the hum amongst the grass, then I do and I take care of the parts of me that need to be. So I feel good, I feel peaceful and I feel just fine. I do feel like I could be much more, but maybe I’m not meant to be more than just the various halves that make up me. That’s ok too. I don’t need to live a fufilling life in that way. Half as fufilling will still seem completely fufilling if I never really experienced what full fufillment is, so there really isn’t any sort of trouble there. And since when did I need fufillment anyway? Unless you call this strange sort of comfort in being in tense, terrible situations like I so-often am fufillment, then I definately don’t and haven’t for a long time. Only my idealism pushed me towards that end, not necessity. I can live just fine the way I am without any significant trouble.

I’m operating, too, in a time of relative prosperity. Everything in the world is right there, I just have to reach out and grab it. And I am. And I’m planning to do so more, too. What’s going to stop me, honestly? Another’s words have never stopped me in the past, what others tell me is or isn’t possible doesn’t concern me. People too weak to follow their own dreams always find some sort of way to discourage others from following theirs. But not me. Thankfully my childhood worked out in such a way that I rely chiefly on myself and on no one else but me. I’ve never cared much for support from people in general, or even to people close to me. Really, I only ever needed it from one particular person at any given time when I decided I needed it. I was always just fine when I was alone, too. It’s all about what I decided to do, really. I don’t need anyone’s support. I don’t care about anyone’s warnings, threats or discouragement. I’m better than most people. There’s a good chance I’ll succede where they never did. So I’m just reaching out and taking, picking out the things I want to do. Right now it’s school, I’m learning and growing a great deal. I’ll get myself into Brown soon enough, too. Then I’ll do the same thing there. What’s to stop me? Nothing really. Just have to go through societies hoops and play the little game. Who’s going to stop me? No one. I simply don’t value others’ opinions enough to let them. I’m going to get what I want. Watch me. And if they try to stop me I’ll overcome them. I dare them to try.

When I breathe in the air I taste the warmth and heartbeat of the earth. When I touch the grass, I feel it, too. I’m acting more in-tune with the things I’m supposed to be doing. This is good. I wish that I could go back home, build a wigwam and have a sweat lodge. It would be very good to sweat out my impurities and to be cleansed. I should look into going back home sometime. Hrm. It’s high time I get back to the earth and being amongst her more closely. This city life can be so disgusting sometimes.

I, too, feel the pulsing and the life from the things around me. I haven’t seen or felt anything special for quite a stretch of time lately but the ones I have still remain starkly imprinted in my memory. It’s simple, why I haven’t needed the urges. Because I’m doing better at remembering and I’m capturing more of myself back. I feel my place and I feel the things around me helping me to be everything I need to be for the future. There’s nothing that cannot be done with the earth and all life behind me, shaping me as I should be shaped. I look at the ground, look at all the things around me and feel the life. And I know, I know that there’s no reason to worry or to hurt or to be afraid right now. I needed to feel those things to be shaped into this person I am today so I experienced them. I don’t need to anymore, so I experience other things instead. It’s all part of my task and I’m doing what needs to be done.

It’s beautiful to feel completely self-sufficient and strong again. I’ve missed this feeling. The feeling of working out in the sun is a good one.