Blog #62

This last night was a very interesting night. I spent it with Mr. George, my friend scorp. My day yesterday went pretty much like this…

I woke up after staying up relatively late and went to class. I went to class, got out a lot earlier than I normally did. I was chatting with Amy about being hungry and she said she was too. I asked her if she wanted to go anywhere and she said nah, she wanted to get a nap in before lab. Which was ok. I had wanted to rib her, though. She had said earlier that she felt that sometimes she had dated everyone in the class because of how she’s been out at least once with basically everyone. I asked her if I was included and she said “Everyone.” I was going to rib her about being on a *date* with her, haha. I guess she wasn’t listening much when I told her I’m not interested in looking for a new female at all. I’m honestly not, too. It’s strange….I don’t even feel attraction so much like I used to. I still enjoy the attention and almost habitually look forward to it, but at the same time, underneath it, I’m very cold and numb about it, very distanced. I act more myself and I’m very open because of it I think. So as much as the word means, I’m very numb and feelingless when it comes to starting up a new relationship. I really think that I honestly don’t want another one and that I’m going to subconciously kill potential ones because of it. I’d much rather just be friends. Someone to smile with, talk with, hug maybe. I don’t really want anything more. All I ever see and want out of people relationship-wise lately is basically purely physical. I want to have someone to lay in bed with, I want someone to kiss and to hold on to if I want. That’s about it. I’m not interested in people as a mate, spiritually or intellectually, and I’m not interested in being compatible with them or not, I’m not interested in anything outside of friendship. It’s just that i like the physical things a lot, that’s all. I don’t want and will not have another relationship anytime soon. Maybe she missed that, though. I’m too physical to be on a *date* with without my knowledge, heh. I’d show my attraction physically as much as I could.

So that was that, I walked home and ate alone at a resturant. The service was pretty good. I got two dishes, one mostly to take home. I sat there and I wrote to Jacinta. I told her I’d like to write her a cipher if she had the time to do it over break and she more or less said she would if I gave it. So I worked on that. Currently I am going to do a Keyworded Caeser Shift. I haven’t decided what word to use though. I do know, though, that i’m going to write it in parts and in rhyme. I’m going to try to put it in one of her languages, too. I know how much she likes that. But for now, I’ve just written out my message. I know exactly what I want to say to her right now, where we are.

After that I walked home. I came home to see George and Bill on the porch. We talked some, hung out, played some guitar hero, then went out to his house. Well, the apartment that he’s been staying at the entire time I’ve been here so far. I learned today he has a new house downtown. So he said he was going to meet up with some friends and go to a club, do stuff. I said I’d go along since I’ve been wanting to go to a club for a while and I hadn’t realized at the time how tired I was. So we went down there. He went to go get some stuff for his friends (not the ones we were going out with), illegal stuff, so I told him I’d just wait at his house. I didn’t want any part of that kinda thing, so I just didn’t go. I just helped to hook up his new computer up and chilled out with his roommates. Then he got back, got the thing dealt with, and we went out to Winghouse. We ate there real quick and then we had to leave early to meet up with his friends. So we did that, then we talked for a short while at the apartment and then we went off to the club. The club was kinda boring. The music was so…uninspiring. It was all this bland hiphop music that all sounded the same. See, I don’t dislike hiphop. I just dislike this generic stuff they keep coming out with. Music is an art, art is dynamic, it changes, it pushes boundaries, it exemplifies and it illuminates….when you keep the same thing and do it over and over then it starts to become stationary and it loses it’s life. When it does it’s no longer music, it’s merely sound. So I didn’t like it much. I was tempted to dance but I was too shy to. I didn’t have a girl to dance with and I would’ve felt lonely dancing alone so I just didn’t. I just stayed with George and his friends and talked with them. There was this spraypaint artist working there who was really good. He was spray-painting fast, very very fast and making these really interesting drawings. It was really good, I thought. The most interesting thing there, other than George. George is always fun. I just looked it up, this is the club I went to. http://www.clubatfirestone.com/

So we left there and we went to George’s house instead. George and I went on a liquor run, even though I didn’t buy any, I just went with him because everyone else was staying. I got a liter or coke though. Then we went back and chilled out with each other. We chatted, had fun and played a little game called knockers I think it was. Where everyone has their own little sign and then you do your sign then do theirs and they have to do theirs or they have to take a drink, pretty much. No one ever messed it up though, there were only 5 of us. So we basically just chilled. Then the couple there, ashley and the guy, I forget his name, went to sleep, and George and I and the other girl went out to get cigarettes. I ended up buying a National Geographic so I could read that after we went home. We stayed outside for a while, but since I liked it, I stayed outside because they were going to watch a movie. I stepped back in for a bit, but I went back out when George killed some of the lights. I chilled outside at 5-6ish in the morning and read my magazine and meditated some and felt the outside. I walked back in and I saw that the movie was playing and no one there….and the door to one of the rooms closed. I walked closer and chilled some and I heard the ‘oohs’ and whatnot and then I was sure. Not that I wasn’t beforehand. I ended up eventually going back outside and trying to read some more, but that didn’t work, so I just sat on the stone piece on the porch and meditating some more. I listened and felt the air, tasted the air, breathed in…and I heard the birds, I heard and felt and watched the sun rise from completely dark to past dawn. It was amazing. I haven’t sat outside, sat still and focused completely on the dawn for too long. I should do that more often. It was a connection of sorts with something greater, bigger than me that I’m just a part of. I loved it. I really, really loved it. So in some ways I’m glad they did what they did. It pushed me back outside to give them the privacy they probably wanted. And being outside I had that moment, it was really nice. I felt something very strange though as I was out sitting quietly on that pitted stone, though. I felt such a feeling of missing Jacinta at that time. I don’t usually miss her so much lately. I mean it’s not that I don’t, I definately do from time to time, but it’s not usually so strong. Thinking about it now it’s even stronger. That right there is something I think I really, really wanted to h

ave been able to share with her. The morning was special. At least to me it was, I guess. I like sharing times like that with her. Mmm…

On the other hand, concerning George and the girl whose name I don’t remember, I really don’t like the fact that they did. On one hand it was pretty disrespectful to me. That doesn’t bother me much though. What bothers me is that she mentioned earlier that she had a boyfriend and not only that but she was preaching monogamy when you’re in a relationship when the subject was up earlier. So not only is she extremely disrespectful, a cheater, but she’s a liar in many many ways and not just to her boyfriend. I lose respect for people like that so extremely fast. I don’t really care about that sort of thing if you’re both single or dating each other. It’s just not my path, not really. Others can go their own way if they chose to. But to be a liar, that will really trip my trigger. I don’t like people who don’t keep their word. Sometimes all you have is yourself and your word….your word is a really really important thing, to me. For a long time, perhaps even now, all I truly have is my word. It’s one of the most important things about me. I asked him as he brought me home later on if he knew. He said he didn’t. I believe him. He’s not one to listen all that closely. He’s usually too busy joking around or doing things to pay much attention to what people say. Me on the other hand, I generally read into what people say so I pick up and analyze/recognize things that I feel are important. So I heard and remembered it. Hrm. Oh well, I guess I don’t care too much. I just don’t want to be around her in the future. I probably won’t be either, he didn’t know her before this either. Not to mention I don’t hang out with him too often. The alcohol/weed thing isn’t so much my scene. I’m fine alone or with a selective few friends doing things together rather than in groups. Meh. My friend selection for doing things together lately is too selective. I go out with Amy once in a while and that’s about it. Oh well. I’m good alone too. It gives me a lot of time to think and keep track of myself. It’s a good thing.

So that was my night and my morning today. I need to sleep now, I have class later on and I want to be able to focus. I have a lot of time to sleep, luckily. It’ll be a pain in the bum to get back into the right sleep schedule, though. Oh well. I can handle one screwed up night in my schedule no problem.

Love you.