Flash Monday, why do you ask?

So, the deal is that’s it’s really hot outside and I had to figure out what to do; it was a toss up between writing the below or napping. I sort of met half way. No, there is a subject in that last sentence; me. I met me halfway, or me met I, one being more arrogant, t’other humbler. There’s a reason why the written language has structure. Let this be an object lesson or a napkin.

 

 

“Do you have any phobias, any unnatural fears?”

“Unnatural ones? I don’t think so. What would an unnatural fear be?”

“Ok, sorry, just fears, do you have any fears?”

“Yes.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Will it help me get the job?”

“Maybe, not elaborating will certainly help you not get the job.”

“Ok. Cossacks.”

“Cossacks?”

“Cossacks and philistines, those fuckers scare the living bejesus out of me.”

“Cossacks and philistines, ok …”

“And the black death.”

“Um, as in African-American … I’m waiting for you to interrupt.”

“That’d be rude and I want to see where you’re going with that.”

“What black death.”

“Chicken-shit. The bubonic plague, you know, boils, swelling, dead people.”

“Ok, don’t suppose you have any fears regarding real things?”

“Cossacks, philistines and the bubonic plague are very real. Want me to ask Siri?”

“Who?”

“You must be an android.”

“No. Human, as far as I know. Look, these questions are sort like a reverse aptitude, to see if anything in your make-up might prove catastrophic to the job, you know, put the company in jeopardy.”

 

“Did your mother love you?”

 

“What?”

 

“D I D Y O U —”

“I heard you, sorry, I meant why?”

“Healthy Development hinges on the mother/child relationship.”

 

“Yeah. Why are you asking me?”

 

“You just opened up my old Cossack wound, don’t I get a turn?”

 

“No.”

 

“Ok. Is this going to take much longer? I have a job interview.”

 

“This is a job interview.”

 

“Heh. I like you man.”

 

“Felony convictions?”

 

“No, thank you.”

 

“Do you have any?”

 

“Is it a requirement?”

 

“Just the opposite.”

 

“What kind of felony convictions?”

 

“Any kind.”

 

“You get a lot of felons in here do you?”

“We try not to, that’s why we ask.”

 

“You know what they say about snitches.”

 

“Yes, actually, I do.”

 

“So, what are you in for?”

 

“Beginning to feel like life. References?”

 

“’If I were tickled by the rub of love …Dylan Thomas.’”

 

“Personal references.”

 

“More personal than being tickled by the rub of love?”

 

“We’ll be in touch.”

 

“Sexual Harassment!”

“Cossacks!”