When We Were Young

Wow. How has it been eight years since I first joined, spilled my guts, vanished, lost this diary completely… only to wind up back here a changed woman? How much has my life changed? How much more have I seen, experienced, learned since my last entry detailing my conflicted feelings for my ex-boyfriend?

It’s felt like a lifetime. I suppose it has been.

And what a change does that make. Going over my last posts is a time-capsule, a frozen moment to a time when my life felt like it was spinning completely out of control. In hindsight, it was. It did. I learned to adapt to the spinning, I learned what real friends are. And I think most importantly, I learned that some people are not worth having in your life. And my, the change that sobering thought brings is beyond comparison.

Granted, nothing is perfect. I’m still struggling to find my way into the career path that I desperately want, but at least I know the direction. I’m still struggling with love, but keeping it rather than finding it. Long-distance is hard, but it is better than the alternative. Much better. And I’ll work my ass off to keep it. I wish I could tell my past self what I’ve learned about love in the eight years of internet silence, mainly because it would save her a HELL OF A LOT of stress and confusion, but those years made me what I am. A not-so-young anxious ball of stress, but in the best relationship of her life. Even if it is separated by three provinces.

In all honesty, I don’t know if I’ll continue using this diary. I am so glad to have reclaimed my old entires and I’m glad they still stand here, preserved and untarnished. So many of those intricate feelings I had as a young 19/20 year old were nuanced, embarrassing, and overly dramatic, but they were real. I suppose I’m writing this entry now as a neat bookend. Did I have suicidal thoughts? Looking back, I can actually admit yes. Did the end of a friendship almost destroy me? Yes, absolutely. Did I actually learn what it meant to be in love? Yes. And did I survive it all to make it to this point? HELL YES. And I’ll continue fighting because it’s not worth giving up yet.

You’ve been through a hell of a lot of shit. Well done.

Now keep doing it.