Ya, you’re f*cked alright…
Christ, Christ, Christ, Christ. There is something seriously WRONG with me! Why, why, WHY does this ALWAYS happen?!
So, here it is: I am in a relationship. Hooray! With the guy that I thought I had permanently screwed it up with. Hooray! Everything is finally coming all together, right?
Wrong. SO wrong.
A week into the the relationship: I am happy. Someone out there likes me? This is awesome! I didn’t think those people existed!
A month into the relationship: I am freaking out. I don’t think I’m cut out for this.
SERIOUSLY.
WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?!
My last few entries have all been incredibly depressing, even for me. I’m all, why can’t someone like me? Am I going to be alone forever? I want love too! And now that someone DOES like me, all I can think about is cutting it off in the simplest and easiest manner.
Normal people don’t do that, do they? Generally, normal people like being someone else’s someone. Normal people feel something when they are kissed, right? Normal people want to kiss, and hug and generally be all physically touchy, right? WHY THE HELL DON’T I?
NOT TO MENTION, that it would make the the most awful person in the world to end things right now. Not only is the boy my friend, one of my closest and most important, but he also chose to not move away because of events surrounding me (and other things, but NOT GOING THERE RIGHT NOW). Because of this choice, his friend is not speaking with him, which is awful and heartbreaking.
So, if I were to end it, I’d be the bitch he stayed for, only for it to go absolutely nowhere. Fan-fucking-tastic.
ALSO, did I mention he is one of my closest friends? Ya, we share a small circle of friends, so there would be no ‘healing-apart-time’, mainly because a mutual close friend is going through major shit, and she needs us both right now. So there’s THAT as well.
But, it’s not like I don’t like him at all. I do like him. I love spending time with him, talking with him, being with him. It’s just, I don’t think I feel anything for him anymore. I don’t feel any sort of excitement or romance-y whatsits when we kiss. I don’t know where these feeling evaporate to, but they always seem to. Whenever I like someone and it seems it might be going somewhere, *poof* bye bye feelings! Nice to see you!
Am I just not programmed to be intimate with someone? Because at times, maintaining a relationship seems to be like acting against my nature. And how screwed up is that?! How can the most normal and natural thing in the world seem like it’s against my nature?
Basically, I feel that by starting this relationship, I am trapped. I don’t want to not be his friend, but if I continue stringing this along, he will hate me with a bloody passion.
Oh, not to mention that by breaking things off would just be proving his asshole of a friend right, which would seriously grate me.
So, what the hell do I do? Do I end things, and lose one of my greatest friends, or do I suck it up and be trapped?
Why am I so damn great at royally screwing myself over?! First I want a damn relationship, now all I want is to get the hell out of it. I AM AN AWFUL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING.