Locked Inside Myself

Jan. 9, 1990

They watched me, thier eyes following my every move.

I felt like a hamster in a cage, there for human observation.

"Stop staring!" I screamed within myself, but still, those probing eyes.

I wanted to poke out those sinister eyes,

so I lunged for the closest thing within my reach,

and I winged it at them.

I heard the man in white saying useless words,

all useless, because I couldn’t comprehend.

I felt like a newborn child,

silent, scared and helpless.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed,

finally finding that long ago voice.

I kept screaming as I kicked and waved my arms to protect myself.

The needle that pricked me made me jolt,

and then I was relaxed and quiet.

What did they fill my veins with?

After awhile I stopped fighting them,

loss of energy consumed me, and I cried.

I cried for myself.

I cried for the doctor.

I cried for the world, and then a sort of peace overtook me.

"You’ll be okay," I heard the doctor say gently.

"Open your eyes and talk to me."

So I opened my eyes and suddenly the fog lifted,

and the world didn’t seem so gray anymore.

"Thank you,"

I silently prayed to God for bringing me back from the frightening unknown.

It was finally over.

 

(this is something that I wrote after my first suicide attempt.)