Dear Mom

I’m hurting so bad.  I cannot even stop this hurt.  I miss you, Mom, so so so much.  I’m cleaning te rest of the house out tomorrow.   I know you will be with me.  Having to move in with the sister.  I never wanted to be in that situation again. I just want you back.  I want to hug you.  Hear your voice.  See you, if for only one last day with you.  It’s only been a little over a month.  I cannot quit crying. I’m trying so hard to put on a straight face around everyone.  Every night when I’m alone, like this, I cannot stop thinking about you.  You and me.  We had what we wanted together.   Our home.  We had each other.

I miss everything.   It is getting nice outside now.  I keep thinking about us sitting out on the porch together.  Gawking at the neighbors.  And all the goings-on.  About picking a meal and making it somewhat together.  Let’s face it Mom, that was mainly me fixing what you wanted.  Haha.  I miss our conversations.  I miss everything about you and the “us” we had.

I worry ever day.  Did I not take you to the doctor soon enough?  Could have I done anything different that would have helped?  It is stuck there in my mind.

I remember when you were home on Hospice.  I was sitting with you, holding your hand.  You whispered to me, “I gotta get better”  I  said something to you that I am kicking myself over and over for every day.  I told you the truth.  I said “Mom, the doctors told us there is not much more they can do.”  OMG WHY DID I SAY THAT?  I watched your beautiful blues look off in the distance and then you nodded your head at me.  You passed the next day.  Why couldn’t I have just not said anything?  I could have just smiled.  Told you how much I love you.  Or something.

I know you are up there with the angels.  I know you have been with all of our loved ones.  I’m selfish.  I want you back.