Depressed

As I see this resource doesn’t have much feedback. Like many others. But ok, anyway I’ve got no other place to post.

So, Nickolas (the doctor I’ve already told about) is slowly backing off, as I see. I kind of knew that this relationship has no perspective, that he’s not much into me, still… I feel really bad.

It’s a terrible feeling… when you love a man so much that you can’t help thinking of him, you are ready to be a doormat under his feet, whatever… But, in return, you only get despise, pity at best. Or even hatred when you are breaking his boundaries trying to just get closer…

He pings once a month, gives me vague hope and then disappears again. Leaving me burning with love and unmet sexual desire. Two days ago he pinged again, and I asked him why he hadn’t been texting or calling me so long. He said “Because I’m working”. Okay, I know I am kind of retarded, but not to that extend…

You’ll say that I should forget him and concentrate on my husband, but I just can’t… I don’t know what to do with my life, I have no kids, no job, no friends, and I don’t want anything. I feel like a total misfit, unwanted by anyone. Only don’t tell me I need a psychologist or antidepressants, I’ve heard it many times, I know that my only antidepressant is Nickolas, but I just can’t reach him, like I can’t reach anything. I am weak and totally non-competitive.

I want to die, because I don’t see anything positive about my life. I’m sick of everything. My life is dull and sour like Greek yoghurt, and absolutely pointless…

I just want him and nothing else.