Fed Up With It All

I’m writing this in a very bad mood. I’m at work and I’m extremely disgusted with things here and I’m not sure what I want to do about it.

For a long time I’ve been ignoring little things because I felt they were beneath me and so insignificant that I would be better to leave them be. Today, however, I’ve reached a new low here in terms of my position and how I’m being treated.

The straw that’s broken the camel’s back for me today was my looking for some help from Frankie, one of the technicians, regarding a part I’m trying to source out for this place.

Currently, one of the seals they’ve been using on their motor isn’t operating up to expectations. So they’ve been bitching and moaning about it for months. They’ve had me order, cancel, re-order and re-cancel the damn part so many times it’s a circus. I’ve switched vendors, bargained pricing, made countless phone calls and inquiries to help rectify the situation.

The techs keep bitching that the part is no good. They bitch at me as if it’s my fault. I take it ’cause I know they’re just not happy with what they’ve got and want something better. I know they’re anger is misplaced on me but it does no good to assume a defensive posture against something that isn’t my fault, so I let them go on and just walk away.

Then the techs tell me to order a part that they know will work but the boss, Mike, won’t let me order them the quantity they need because it’s so damned expensive to buy it through a distributor. So I’ve been looking, under every rock mind you, to find another vendor/distributor that can produce or provide the seal we’re looking for.

This morning I finally found a new manufacturer that I’ve not dealt with before so I inquired with them about the seal. I asked them if they could cross reference the seal that we’ve been getting to see if they can obtain it cheaper or manufacture it based on the specs of that seal.

In my vain attempt to be thorough and accurate, I tried to look up in files from previous years what the specs on the current seals were to be sure to get exactly what was required. When I couldn’t find what the manufacturer wanted to know about the sepecs I went to Pete and asked him if he could provide me with the specs they need so I could get an estimate on getting the seals from someone new.

Pete told me to see Frankie, which I did. Frankie was busy doing something so I patiently waited for him to finish. I felt this would be a good time to ask because he’d be finishing up anyway to get ready to leave for lunch. When I asked him for the specs on the seals he got all shitty with me and said he didn’t want anything but the seals they’d been using.

The same fucking seals that haven’t been working all this time? The ones they’ve been bitching about? So to clarify, I told him what I was attempting to do and he said he didn’t know what the specs were off the top of his head and basically told me it would be too much of a pain in the ass to go look up.

Of course, not being mechanically talented, I couldn’t look them up because I wouldn’t know what to look for if it were right in front of me. So Frankie starts spouting some random numbers at me for specs knowing full well I won’t understand what he’s saying, let alone comprehend them enough to do anything with them.

So I just walked away. What’s the fucking point of trying to do a job nobody appreciates. All they see me as, all they’ve ever seen me as is a glorified secretary and gopher. They know I’m gay, or so I’m told, and I’ve known from the beginning they didn’t like "faggots" or "niggers" as they put it so I’m left to think that they’re just making my life difficult because of who I am and not what I do here at the job.

Mike is no help because quite frankly, he treats me the same way. No one here speaks to me with any respect or dignity. On more than one occassion they’ve said that all I do is sit in front of a computer and hit keys all day.

I’ve eaten all their comments and their inuendos and shit. I’ve been overwhelmed by the taste of it all but kept at it in hopes that my work would speak more to them then who they thought I was. Apparently that’s not in their ability to do.

All I’ve done since I’m here is try to learn about a job I know nothing of from a group of people who have no skill, let alone desire, to teach anyone anything. All they want is to bark their orders and be satisified. When they’re not satisified they’ll just bitch at me for what ever goes wrong.

No one sees that I’ve bent over backwards trying to learn with no guidance. No one sees that I’ve tried to help them with whatever problems they bring my way. I’m just expected to continue to take their crap and live with it.

Well, I’ve done that for six months now. Yes, in that time Mike has done a couple of nice things for me but that doesn’t give him or anyone here the right to treat me like a second class citizen. It’s my opinion that what Mike has done for me I’ve earned. But I’ve earned, at the least, the right to be treated like a person, a part of the team. Here I am still feeling like the outsider.

The techs all go to lunch every day together. Even the new guys go along with Pete and Frankie. Before there were any new guys it was always Pete and Frankie and they never invited me or made me feel as if I’d be welcomed. But now with the new guys being included, watching them all pile in Pete’s van and taking off for lunch again today I can’t help be feel even more dejected.

As if that weren’t bad enough, they let my birthday come and go without so much as a wish for a good day. I’ve made a point since starting here to find out everyone’s birthday. EVERYONE. I’ve made sure that everyone signed a card I went out to get for them so they’d at least have that acknowledgement.

They knew when my birthday was. I know this because when I started doing all this birthday stuff for them they asked me when mine was. They knew it and did nothing about it. I never brought it up and never said a word to any of them about it. I’m not that shallow or insecure anymore. I only bring it up to point out how I think they go out of their way to make me feel like crap.

I’m sitting here wanting nothing more than to walk out and not come back, but unfortunately, I have to have a job. I have to take care of my children. I have responsibilities. The job market sucks around here. It took me six months to find this job

when I was looking and that’s when I had every day to go out and look.

I have to be here every day if I want a paycheck and that leaves me no time to look for another opportunity. Sure, there’s the weekends, but that’s my time with my children so it’s a lose/lose situation for me.

I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable!