Tempest in a Teapot? Try a Cauldron!!

I’ve decided that nothing, and I do mean nothing, is ever easy. I find that I’m once again dancing on the precipice of a gaping canyon. I know that since I haven’t written regularly in a while that probably sounds a bit melodramatic but in all honesty, I’m on the verge of some kind of break. There has been so much going on and I’ve had little time to absorb let alone cope with it all.

Work, for now and the recent past, has been pretty good. Actually, I’d say it’s been damned fine but that of course would be the problem. Let me explain. I’ve had my ups and downs at this job for the last year. Yes, I’ve been here nearly a year now. Never thought that would happen. It was simply the first place that I could find since losing my last job so I was never really comfortable with it as I’d never really resolved what had happened to me from the last one. So I was basically just counting days and passing time while collecting a meager, and I do mean meager, wage. So why if everything has been hunky dorey is this bad?

Given how down things were here not too long ago, I heeded my bosses advice when he told me that he thought I should start looking for another job. I went and took the test for the US Post Office. Not sure how I’d do and what, if anything, would come of it I didn’t give it much thought. I just went and did it and that was that. At the same time, knowing I couldn’t afford to lose this job, I dove into it again full steam and really applied myself more than I had been. In doing so, things began to improve dramatically. Now I don’t know if that was because I was putting more of myself into it or not because I had been pouring myself into it before and things weren’t going so well but this time it was different.

I began to feel more integral here and that’s what I was looking for all along. Well, that and a nice big raise, but I digress. So now, I’m feeling more a part of a team rather than a glorified "coffee bitch" if you’ll pardon the expression. Again, I hear you asking, so what’s the problem? Well, here it is. The post office called me. I scored very well and they wanted me for an interview. Needless to say the interview went very well and I expect to hear from them with an offer of employment. Now I’m gonna have to make a decision. Go, start all over again from square one, make more money, less hours with no benefits or stay, keep my year under my belt, continue getting paid benefits and low hourly wages with an uncertain future.

Maybe the choice isn’t so hard from an outsider’s perspective but given all the drama I’ve been through in the last year, I don’t know whether I need this right now. I mean, yes, I NEED this but not now. I know, I know, if not now, when? How ’bout six months ago?

Of course on top of this I had my bankruptcy hearing which wasn’t anything exciting but it is a major event in my life and it’s having a toll on me as well. So what I’m trying to say, I guess, is I’m wiped. My emotions are teetering and I’m perilously close to the edge. I actually wound up having a few words, not harsh or anything, with Greg the other night. Then, afterwards, while I was watching tv in my room it all just started to come over me and I came out to him in the living room, crawled up into his chest, tucked my head in his neck and just started to cry. I apologized for being a miserable person who never seems to be happy with what I have and always looking for more. I reigned myself back in before I had a complete meltdown because that really could have happened. I was that close and just starting to let it out could have been the catalyst for full scale snap.

There have been other things going on in my life as well with people at work and friends outside of work, all of which are weighty and take an emotional toll. There’s the impending holidays with or without the children, with or without Greg because he has to work, the uncertainty of what I’ll even be doing during that time. Will I still be working here or starting at a new job…..blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

None of this is making much sense but I’m not going to read back and try to sort it out. It just came out this way and that’s how it’ll have to remain. I think it’s time for a smoke so I’m gonna close for now. I need a moments peace and since everyone is out to lunch, this is a good time.