Trial and Error and Error and Error…

The last couple of days have been up and down. To keep things in some sort of order I’ll go back to the weekend.
 
I had Courtney and Kyle for the weekend and picked them up Friday night. Actually, Greg went and picked them up for me. He’s been so good at offering to do things for me lately. He’s been helping out with taking Jonathan back and forth to school between our home and Jonathan’s. So when I got home from work on Friday night the children were already there. I had to do some grocery shopping which is always an tenuous time with Kyle. He doesn’t much care for being ignored.
 
I called Gem while I was at Wal-Mart to see how she was and asked her if she was up to hanging out with the kids, Greg and I while we carved Courtney’s pumpkin. Halloween is her favorite time of the year and with her being down in the dumps lately over a personal matter I thought she might want to get out. Actually I thought she’d need it. She agreed and within an hour or so we were all home having a few drinks, carving pumpkins and hanging out.

Courtney decided she wanted Scooby-Doo and once we found a stencil she and I were at it. I think it came out nice but you decide.  

After we were finished and Kyle and Courtney were in bed Greg, Gem and I hung out until Greg turned in. That was around 1:00 am. That left Gem and I and for the first time since we’ve been back hanging out, we had some quality time to talk. The subject matter was personal to both of us and I thought it was important to share with her some of my feelings about what had gone on before our "split" and where I am now. It didn’t go as well as I’d hoped and I’ll get to that in a minute.
 
Saturday morning Courtney had a soccer game up near her home so we had to be up early to get her there by nine o’clock. I had made an off handed joke with Greg the night before about coming to the game to see his "daughter" play but had no expectation of him coming since he had to work Saturday night and would need to sleep all morning. Much to my surprise, he was up and came with us. I kept insisting that he go back to bed and sleep and that I was only kidding the night before but he wanted to go. Unfortunately Courtney’s team lost but Greg, Kyle and I had a good time hanging out and watching.
 
After soccer we came home, grabbed something to eat and all of us were down for an afternoon nap. Actually, everyone but me. I had pulled my back something awful while holding Kyle for so long and it hurt so bad I couldn’t get to sleep. We were all up again around 4ish. Greg was getting ready for work and when he left, the three of us headed out to the store. Courtney needed some graph paper and I wanted to look into getting some kitten formula since our little one, who’s name is now Squirt instead of Spike since we found out she’s a girl, hadn’t had much nursing from her mom.
 
Once home we had a nice pasta dinner with my special garlic bread. A couple of tv shows and we were all out and ready for bed. Unfortunately with my back still giving me trouble I had to take sleeping pills to be sure I’d get some rest. That didn’t work out so well.

Sunday morning we were up by 8ish and just hanging out when I got a phone call from a guy I know from work. He’s one of my vendors and he’d been talking about making me a rig to remove the hard top from my Jeep. I told him I found one to buy but couldn’t afford the three hundred bucks they wanted. He offered to make me one. I envy people that can "make" things like that. Anyway, he called and asked if he could bring it over and rig it up. Of course I said yes.
 
It took a few hours and it wasn’t perfect but it was workable. So now I’m able to take the top off my Jeep by myself which will be alot of fun. It’s one of the reasons I bought the Jeep in the first place but haven’t been able to enjoy. Now I can.
Margaret was suppose to come get Courtney and Kyle and drop off Jonathan but she got stuck at work later than she planned so I offered to bring them home and get Jonathan myself. She appreciated the offer so we packed up and headed to their house. Hung out for a bit and then Jonathan and I were off for home. He loved the idea of riding without the top as much as Courtney and Kyle had on the way up.
 
Neither of us stayed up long, we were both pretty tired and Greg was working so after a little tv, we were down. I actually watched "The Lake House". I wasn’t quite sure how that would go but I was pleased. Definitely a chick flick with a little sci-fi type twist. I enjoyed it.

Monday I kept the top off the Jeep and took Jonathan to school and then went to work. It was such a beautiful day since the cool front was pushing through. I was so jealous that I couldn’t be out there driving around in my topless Jeep all day but there would be more days. I didn’t get out of work till late so Greg offered, again, to get Jonathan for me. Besides that I had other things on my mind.

This is where I get back to Gem. She and I had been chatting on IM while I was at work. The conversation had to do with our talk the other night. Evidently what I told her had upset her. Obviously in a bad way given the tone of her messages. She said she needed to sleep so I let her go only to get a couple of text messages on my cell phone. We spoke a bit more and then nothing. Until about 3 o’clock. I got a message from her that sounded ominous. Like she couldn’t take it anymore. I immediately tried to get back to her. No response on texting. No answer to my repeated phone call attempts. The later it got the more worried I became.
 
By the time I got off work I’d asked Greg to take Jonathan to the gym for me as I continued to try to reach Gem. Still nothing. At quarter past six I was out of work and thought I’d call her job since she should be there by now. They said she called in sick. She doesn’t do that! Now I’m officially scared shitless. I immediately head over to her apartment trying to phonethe entire time. All calls go directly to voice mail. Not good. Not fucking good at all.
 
I finally get there and ring the bell. No answer. Lights are all off. Ring bell again. Now I’m pacing my ass off while all kinds of horrible thoughts are racing through my head. Gem’s not the kind to threaten anything without intending to do something about it so I"m freaking. Completely freaking. Thoughts of what to do are spiraling out of control in my mind when the door suddenly opens. It’s Gem. She’s fine. I think I missed a breath for a second like I forgot to take one.

I went in and sat with her for a few minutes after a big long hug. Turns out her text message to me was in response to the chat we were having earlier. She just didn’t get it when I sent it so when she found it later in the day she answered it. Not expecting an answer to a chat we’d had hours earlier I took it all out of context and without reason, lost my mind. She’d called in sick to work because she had been unable to sleep given our conversation from the other night coupled with all she’s been going through regarding her personal problem.
 
We spoke for a bit and then I left hoping she’d be able to get back to bed and get some rest now that I’d completely made a fool of myself panicking for no reason. Duh!!! Besides, I had to get to Jonathan and make him dinner. I’d already missed going to the gym with him and didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to be with him. He’s grown very fond of our time together.
 
Gem sent me a few more text messages and a phone call to thank me for my concern for which I told her she was being ridiculous. We were friends and I did what came naturally. No questions asked. No explanations needed. That’s just me.
A few hours later I was asleep.
 
Now this morning, I’m at work and Gem pops up on IM and we’re chatting again. She’s upset about what I’d told her about me. I’m not getting into it but I inadvertently upset her, pretty good from what I can tell, but it was unintentional. She left our chat saying she’d talk to me later but I don’t know how long later will actually be.
 
At some point I’ll have to get my troubles out in this diary format but I’m not certain they’ll be public or not. I may just need a few entries to myself to clear my thoughts and heart. I’ve been avoiding it but I don’t think I can any longer. I tried sharing some of it with Gem and it didn’t go so well. I’m trying to make corrections in my life, in the way that I live it, the way I treat and react to people. Clearly I’m a long way from getting it right and I have much to work on. Suffice it to say that in my past and as it turns out, still in the present, self absorbed in thinking more about me than anyone else. It’s much more but that’s for another time. For now, I’ve done enough damage.