DPM 2 – Mental Health Day
I decided to take the day off today.
There were a lot of reasons. I have been sick to my stomach for about 24 hours now. I think I have a bug. Normally I’d just work through it, but with all of the other things going on… I decided not to.
I’m classifying today as a mental health day, although technically I’m out sick {I don’t know that I’m actually out sick because I could suck it up if I really wanted to}.
So… my mental health day prompted me to set up and take this picture:
Of course, this picture looked much more artistic and classic before I had to block out most of my personal information, like my full name and the exact Walgreens I get my prescriptions from. The names and amounts seem to expose me enough. And no, I’m not on all of that right now… I don’t think.
I take, daily:
· Lamotrigine (generic Lamictal) 200mg
· Clonazepam (generic Klonapin) 2mg
· Topamax 100mg
· Prenatal Vitamins
Thankfully, I have been able to get off all of the other crap – the antibiotics and pain killers and muscle relaxers from the wisdom tooth adventure. I’m actually hoping to be completely off the Klonapin by this time next year. I’m hoping with exercise and a steady cognitive behavioral therapy that I can reduce my need for it until I’m able to overcome the social anxiety completely.
{{ For those new to my wing of the crazy ward::
Lamictal is taken for bipolar disorder – any of several mood disorders characterized usually by alternating episodes of depression and mania or by episodes of depression alternating with mild nonpsychotic excitement (Webster’s online m-w.com) I have no plans to stop taking this drug, although at some point, because of the complex nature of this disease, the dosage of the medication will probably need to be altered by a doctor.
Klonapin is taken for my social anxiety and panic attacks – an episode of intense fear or apprehension that is of sudden onset and may occur for no apparent reason or as a reaction to an identifiable triggering stimulus (as a stressful event); specifically : one that is accompanied by usually four or more bodily or cognitive symptoms (as heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, or feelings of unreality) and that typically peaks within 10 minutes of onset (Webster’s online m-w.com ) I would like to overcome social anxiety, as it is not a chemical imbalance for me, but a phobia and a stress. I need to find and fix the triggers. I need to take control of my life. I think doing this will greatly improve the quality of my life… and the lives of the people around me.
Topamax is taken to ward off migraines. Pretty boring, but migraines hurt. And contrary to what some very nasty doctor said once, No, I don’t just enjoy being miserable.
Prenatal vitamins are taken NOT because I’m planning on kids, but because they do wonders for skin, hair and nails. I take the ones from GNC that cost $10 a bottle and have no Iron—so I won’t get Iron poisoning—and as a result, I have strong nails and my hair just keeps growing and growing. Plus, I’ve never gotten so many complements on my eyes in my life! Geez! }}
This morning, when I woke up, I was so exhausted I nearly had a mental breakdown. I actually slapped my husband on the arm for rolling his eyes at me. I hate that I hit him. He would never hit me. I’ve gotten mad before and felt like I was on the verge… but we’d barely been awake a few minutes… I was just so tired… mentally, physically, emotionally raw. I let it out on him. I can’t excuse that kind of behavior.
He thinks it’s no big deal. He’d damn sure think it was a big deal if he’d done it. But since it’s me (and I’m nuts anyway—I add, not him), it’s not anything to worry about.
I messaged my boss this morning to let him know I’d been sick with a bug and that if nothing was earth shattering, I was taking the day off. This is the first time in four months I have called in sick and not beaten myself up emotional for it—partly because I added that if he did need me, I’d come in late. When he texted back and said, “k hope u feel better,” I knew he didn’t need me, I had the day off, and I decided right then and there to make it a mental health day.
Today, I decided, is about healing me. I’m not going to worry about updating the company website, even though it’s on my computer and I can do it while watching Cold Case Files. I’m not going clean house, even though it needs it. I’m not going to unpack from the trip. I’m not going to do a damn thing I don’t WANT TO DO.
Turns out, I wanted to change the litter, pick up around my chair a little, tidy the living room just a bit, and take the clothes out of the suit case. I will probably also want to unpack my travel toiletry bag when I go take a shower rather than live out of it for the next three weeks. Rather than put the stress of “I HAVE to do”… I have only done what I wanted to do… oh! I also cleaned (scrubbed with soapy water and then Clorox wipes) the bottom of the fridge so I could put the leftover pizza I ordered.
Now, I am going to post this entry, and take my happy… and yes, even after nearly a month of mouth pain, the following 50 hour work week, the Thanksgiving from hell, a stomach bug, and the heartbreaking moment of actually hitting my husband… I am actually at peace right now. I’ve done a little, rested a lot, done a little photo shoot, watched a little TV, played with the cats, snuggled with the cats, and now I’m off to take a shower. While I’m in there, I’m going to work on actively visualizing the pain, anger, hurt, betrayal and heartache wash away with the bubbles of my milk and honey bath wash. I may have to soap up my loafa two or three times, but I’m going to get as much of it off as possible. Then, yep…you guessed. I’m going to treat myself to nice long pamper session—the kind I never have time for. I’m going to lotion up, powder around, maybe dry and flatten my hair (have to check the weather)… I may even go so far as to paint my toes. Take that heartache!
