NoJoMo – 23 Roller Coaster SLOW DOWN!

It’s been another long day.
I spent most of the day helping my husband with his homework for his class. We’ve also been house cleaning and doing laundry. Getting ready for the holiday travel is exhausting.

We had a 20% off coupon for Michael’s, so we went and bought even more yarn. Then, they gave us a 40% off coupon. Um… no. We’re done. We have a bin full of yarn now. We’ll be knitting fools for months.

I feel all kinds of weird today. One moment I’m okay, the next I’m sad, the next I’m a rock star cranking out the hits, the next I’m dead inside, the next I’m doing an impromptu photo shoot with the kids, the next I’m falling head over heels for my husband while singing to a sappy love song in the Jeep, the next I’m want to sleep forever rather than face the rest of the evening’s chores. It’s just a roller coaster of emotions and moods. And it’s more exhausting than feeling one thing all day.
One thing and you know what to expect. When Grant’s done with cooking dinner and brings me my plate (who has the best husband ever??), how will I feel? I simply don’t know…And it’s so unfair to him, because he doesn’t know either. One of the things that always kills me, in my moments of self-reflections, is how hard life with me must be on Grant… He never knows what to expect. He’s learning some subtle clues to the signals that a change is coming, but he can never really know which wife he’s coming home to… the one who loves him so much she moved to Virginia after waiting patiently for 18 months, or the one who won’t let him forget that he moved her to Virginia after making her wait for 18 months.

I think a lot of what I’m feeling has to do with the ‘entry I haven’t written.’ Perhaps I hope it has more to do with that. On the way home we heard this old country song where a mother says to the daughter, (also the title of the song) How can I help you to say goodbye? In the song, it says ‘it’s ok to hurt, and it’ ok to cry’ and ‘life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.’

It’s after dinner now… and after knitting for hours and talking on the phone with my mom.
Suddenly I’m hit with this overwhelming sensation. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t want to go back to work at Jewels. I want to work somewhere else. I want to be in a cubicle with people around. I want to have people to go to lunch with and talk to. I want a cookie cutter job to go with my cookie cutter life. I don’t want this job anymore. I’m suddenly panic-stricken. I can’t imagine going back in the morning—and I can only hope that sleep will quash this emotion. I don’t know how I’ll survive if it doesn’t.
Grant, ever supportive, told me that if I don’t feel I’m meant to be there, then perhaps I’m not. Part of me thinks he never thought I was. Part of me knows I never was. I drive a Saturn, prefer Chili’s over just about any other restaurant, and like to stay in rather than go out. I would love to live in a subdivision. I don’t like the idea of mansions or expensive cars or jewelry. I like middle of the road, middle class, cookie cutter world. And part of that world, at least for me, involves the desk job… the job that starts at 8 and ends at 5. The job that has an hour lunch break with the girls. The job that has Margarita Fridays after work with friends… friends that I’ve made at work because I don’t work with 11 men—none of whom I see on any regular basis.
And now, I’m crying… because as much as I love the independence and the freedom of my job, I’m beginning to realize (or feel as if I am beginning to realize) that it was all just phase. I’ve let myself get emotionally attached… and I’ve let these people count on me, but I can’t follow through. I feel like I’m not the person I thought I wanted to be. I want to wake up in the morning and go to an easy, predictable job. I don’t want to have to work so hard and be left with so little at the end of the day… lunches at my desk, my husband and cats as my only company, my best and only friend 1300 miles away. I’ve spent four months at Jewels… growing in my performance while stalling in my life.
For what? To heal? Am I healing? It hurts more today than it did a month ago.

Fruck. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m going to take an extra Klonapin and hope sleep takes care of this. If not… I won’t make any decisions until I 1) the first of the year, or 2) am offered a new job. Right now, that’s as much as I can do…

Photos from today:

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