23, Ended my contractual work

Hello—long time, no notes!

I just want to write about my life these past few weeks. I know my last entry was about struggling with the same problem last year. Back then, I thought I would meet amazing people—just like I did during my internship. But because of the work setup, I didn’t get the chance to make myself known or even allow myself to be fragile. Not that I needed to be fragile—but part of me wanted to be.

To be honest, I really like attention. I don’t just mean in the places I’ve been or where I am now—I mean I want to become familiar in wide places. I’ve been longing for the memories I had when I was an intern. Sure, it ended in a bad situation, but maybe it could’ve been better. Who knows?

My first job was boring as hell, but it was still cool because it was work-from-home and located in BGC. I used to think it was just a dream to work there, but even for a short time, I actually did it. I’m still proud of myself.

After experiencing a man for the first time in my life, I somehow developed imposter syndrome. I’ve been feeling down and lost—underestimating myself these past few days. I couldn’t even attend some interviews. I couldn’t manifest anything properly, like I had lost hope in every single cell of my body. My energy just wasn’t giving.

And now, I don’t even know what will happen anymore. Or maybe… I do.

Still, I wish the best life for myself. I know I am kind—even though I’ve doubted that part of me. I wish I could give my mom everything she deserves. I understand now that she loves me more than my father does. I used to misunderstand her actions, but now it’s clear: I love my mom more than my dad.

I thought she didn’t love me—but she did. And she still does, fairly and fully, just like with my sisters.

I was inspired by the wrong person, when all I really had was my mom. I wish I could love her even longer, even better.

To my mom—I’m deeply sorry for the bad things I said. I’m taking it all back.
I mean it. I’m sorry.

Also, something I realized—just like last year, when I was struggling to find a job while dealing with a UTI, I’m now in the same situation: job hunting with a UTI again. It’s frustrating, but it’s also a reminder that I need to take care of myself. I can’t pour from an empty cup. I need to be healthy—not just for me, but so I can take care of my family, too.

This is my reminder: I matter. My well-being matters. And I deserve a life that feels good to live.

—J