attempt

Okay so I’m going to try out this voice to text,  speech to text
My hand still hurts so I don’t want to write yet, it’s been two weeks and can take up to 6 before it’s not sore. I have the next surgery scheduled on the 7th and go back to work three weeks after that. I miss work. I miss feeling like I’m useful. I don’t like being unable to do stuff and it’s not so bad now but it’s still difficult and I can’t use my hand for long before it starts to feel tired but that’s okay because at the end of the day all of this means I don’t have to hurt anymore and all I’ve done is hurt for year and I’m really just tired of it. I want to be a full person. I feel like I’ve been super moody lately, so frustrated, so mad and angry with no reason to be. I feel like I have all these damn emotions and with the antidepressant they don’t come out the way they used to. I don’t know how to express myself some days. I thought I would cry going through the Christmas stuff, it’s been almost 2 years but I didn’t, I think I want to cry now over stupid shit I don’t need to cry over. I do, obviously my brain, my emotions want to cry and they want to be upset so maybe I should just let them be upset. I don’t like being upset. I hate that negative feeling, no one likes negative feelings.. like right now I feel like I’m just depressed because I’m home a lot. It’s insanely hot so I don’t want to go out by myself and not be somewhere that’s air conditioned.  I feel lonely even when I’m not alone. I hate that phrase but dammit if it’s not true some days, like right now..

I just I feel like there’s so much happening right now and I feel like I have zero control over any of it. The lease for my brothers is up in January and one of them is moving and the other I don’t know yet. I get to see my brother get married at some point, he’s the only hope my mom had for grandkids and she’s not even here to see that.. maybe that’s it, she’s not here to see that, she’s not here to see any of our Milestones now.. She’s not here to hear our good news, our bad news, to ask questions or just talk to. . Her obsrvations and insight that I just really needed in my life and I don’t have now..  there’s so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to show you,  so much I wanted to accomplish for you I have to ask myself it wasn’t enough, we needed to be more for you.. were you happy? You deserve to be happy, you hurt for so long and even when they told us months I had it in my head 12, not 3..  I didn’t believe it maybe.. I guess I thought you were immortal, you could never die. What happened felt so surreal. .  I didn’t know what to do..  I wish you were here, I wish.. I just wish I could talk to you again and show you all of the stuff that’s happened in the last 2 years that you should have been a part of it. I will never stop needing my mom I will never stop having moments where I just want to ask her something or tell her something or just hear her one more time. I miss her so much