Get thee to a nunnery

I just passed a post on reddit where a gentleman performed a part of a scene from Hamlet and I could not help but be in awe the entire time. His delivery, his pacing, he was exactly how I imagine that scene should have been performed. The slight mania, the anger, the self hatred, the concern, it moved me to get up and write something.

I always have thoughts come to mind that I want to type out but I choose to do anything other than that. Honestly, right now I would rather delve into monologues and pretend to be someone else and put emotion into something, but acting isn’t exactly in my book of random ass shit I do ok at. I am dramatic, yes, but acting is something else. When I sing along with musicals I am those characters, I try to be at least, I wonder if acting would feel as freeing. But then you have to act in front of others, there’s an audience, there’s critiques, there’s unkind words and my head is already full of enough of those as it is. Maybe I could just look up some monologues I can recognize and for a moment, just by myself, pretend. I am full of so many emotions, even now fucking crying over a keyboard and I couldn’t tell you why.

I always felt for Ophelia, but as an adult I wonder if that’s because I wanted to see myself in the sad characters. I did it with songs also, I clung to the sad girl song in musicals or whatever was closest. And while I do still feel for her, having been just another pawn like so many in their tale, I feel more for the protagonist now. They both suffered, and had his father not been murdered and the entire plot been different, they would have been fine, but that’s now how Shakespeare worked. And in this story every suffers, everyone is played with and used, but who was manipulated the most?

It doesn’t matter. Nothing I put into this journal really matters. They’re just ramblings so I can say something into the void instead of just rambling at myself. I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish with this anymore, especially since I don’t use it, like so many other things. I do or use something for a short while and then I only think about it and do nothing more with it. I need a life coach to gently yell at me.