I don’t like me

It’s so easy to say. I’ve always thought it and then it just became a thing to say out loud. But why? To remind myself of stupid shit I did before? Why can’t I process like everyone else? I was so adamant that writing was what I needed to do and the second I sit down to actually do it the words I need to say don’t come to mind, just words. I sound so fucking smart or creative or artistic in my head. .  to myself. .  but once I have to put it into words I feel like it’s just a mess coming out of my mouth, a puddle of nonsense with a point hidden within, maybe.

I want to change. I want to be better. I always preach about therapy but when it came down to me actually going it wasn’t anything I was expecting. It was uncomfortable. But it should be, if it was easy people would just go and change and be happy. Nothing is easy. I feel like I keep saying it but who am I trying to make believe it? She won’t hold my hand. I don’t want her to. I want someone to make me accountable, to ask me the questions I am always too afraid to ask myself because I know trying to answer them will open a flood gate that I would have to deal with. I don’t like how I feel about it, but I’m not supposed to. I can’t keep hiding in safe, I have to learn to deal with it, I just wish I knew how.

I told her about my hair and my old job, I explained the reason that I felt I did it, that guilt, that selfishness, that obligation that I hold myself to but would never require of another. I don’t judge myself too harshly, I’m honest with myself. But she said that was a lie. . it’s all a lie then. If I’m kind to myself then what? Then I feel that guilt and selfishness, I don’t know how to turn it off. Baby steps they say, hell, baby steps I say. It’s doesn’t make them any less difficult. It doesn’t make it less scary.

Is it even fear? what am I afraid of? To be happy? Why?? I never feel like I deserve much but what would be the worst that could happen if I opted to hate myself a little less than I do. Would I become a worse person than I feel I already am? Would I become entitled and greedy? Or is it just he change? The biggest lie I have ever told in my life is when  interviewers ask if you deal well with change. Of course I do, that’s what they need to hear, realistically I need structure and I love routine. . and self hatred has been a thing I am so used to that trying something else seems near impossible. . I0 can justify to myself all the reasons in the world I don’t deserve to be happy but when I say them out loud they make no sense and I know that now. .

Did you hear what you just said? When she repeated my words back to me for the first time ever there was like a break in that wall. For the first time I realized what I said didn’t make sense anywhere but my head. I think she could tell I was broken, that I now had information I needed to process and think on. Today’s session was better, I felt more open, more comfortable. I cried, I’ll always cry, but not in an awful way. I’m being forced to confront years and years of thoughts and memories that formed the fucked up thinking I fight daily.

I don’t know what I expect from this, from anything, but I want it understand me better, I want to process better, or at all really. .  I want to be happy. But happy is subjective and I need to figure out what it means.