Selfish

Why do I do this to myself? I watch these videos about horrible things that happen, and to kids. .  they can’t protect themselves, they’re innocent, they’re helpless, and people do such terrible things to them and worst of all it isn’t even strangers some days. Some woman sold her kid and fucking went on tv crying about ho she misses her, what fucking bullshit. You were given something absolutely beautiful and you fucking threw it away like they were an item to ne discarded. I can’t understand how some people are allowed to be able to have kids and they do they so wrong, they treat them so poorly, they’re just awful. .

But am I more upset that these children were destroyed and discarded and forced to experience things we can’t even say out loud. . or that I selfishly just never got to have my own.. I watch and I’m upset for these children, they don’t deserve it, no one does but especially not them, and I think that terrible people were given babies and I wasn’t and it isn’t fair. . neither situation is fair. .

I feel selfish for thinking that, for feeling that, but am I allowed to feel both ways about it? Can both pains exist simultaneously or does that just make me selfish still. .

These videos break my heart and I justify to my brain that I watch, I listen, because their story deserves to be told. . but why do I really continue to play these videos. . what in my brain is really happening I wonder.