Why do I need a title?

Why am I here? Because I have no friends I can actually talk to about things that aren’t more than surface level and stupid gossip. I can’t tell someone I made myself sad by remembering trauma I thought I ha forgotten when trying to comfort and help another person understand their feelings and emotions. I can’t talk to them about the Greeks versus Romans in regards to how the myths were told. I can’t tell them random facts I learned about serial killers or exotic plants that I found interesting but no one else will. I can’t talk to them about that never ending channel flipping feeling I get when I want to sleep and my mind keeps racing. I can’t talk to them about how I sit here crying alone because I don’t know what else to do sometimes. I can’t tell them how incredibly lonely I feel sometimes because they’ll say they’re there for me but when it gets too personal it becomes too much.

I don’t even know what to say in therapy anymore. I wait for a prompt and something to bounce off of, but I don’t know that I have my own thoughts and feelings to begin on my own. I always say that I have to much to say and no one to listen but what really do I have to say. . what bullshit will I spew forth next and pretend it’s insightful or smart or something I am not.

I considered downloading whisper again. . how lonely and pathetic can you get.  It’s a cesspool and yet whenever I get low enough I will still dip my feet in there. It’s disgusting nine times out of ten. To get someone to chat you have to share photos or pretend to flirt or be something you aren’t. I just want someone who wants to tell me a story about something that happened in their life or something they saw and thought was the most amazing thing in that moment. But that isn’t how whisper is. Whisper is a mess of filth and perversion most days. At least have some tact, some stuff you see people post on there just makes me cringe. Is it worth going back to for the umpteenth* time, is it worth feeling disgusting after filtering through messages to find someone who isn’t looking to share a dick pic and get off. I don’t know if I have the energy for that. It takes a lot out of me mentally and emotionally for some reason when all you see is people wanting to get off and send or receive things I have interest in sending or receiving at that point if ever. How is it exhausting to use a fucking chatting app.

I’ve had to filter my reddit stuff and incorporate more wholesome and happy subreddits so I’m not seeing as much negativity. Same with youtube. . more animals and plant videos, some more history channels. I’ll still have true crime sprinkled through out but maybe my recommended will be a little less depressing. . I need to get out today and go for a walk or something, I need sunlight.

I’m glad to be back at work at least, that constant pain in my hands isn’t a thing anymore and I’m smart enough to know the difference between an actual pain and an ache. I have aches more than pains and I hate that it took so long to fix it. My back still hurts but in physical therapy we are working with both my neck and back now so hopefully I have some stuff I can do at home to adjust. I wonder if PT will just be a part of my life and a thing I manage instead of fix. .

The eczema is like that. . it’s chronic, it’s manageable but not curable. . and evidently it spreads. Years ago it was only on the back of my neck, scalp, and ears. .  now it’s on my face and jawline -___- I feel like I can’t win. . I look at the pills I take daily now and I feel like I’m just getting old. . time doesn’t stop. .

*I needed to side note this, like seriously who made up the word umpteenth. .  and it’s a legit word since I’m not seeing a red line under it. .  I don’t like it. . it’s weird.