And you moved me that much – Ode to Catherine

Posted on 2 December 2002 as a private entry, since declassified

Catherine,

I felt like kissing you just before I left on the train. There’s no point denying it, or putting it down to “the heat of the moment”. Because ever since I started reading your words, I knew you were beautiful. I don’t know if I presumed this meant physically too, but I just always thought of “Kerouac Phoenix” as beautiful. And then I got to know you more and more and at the back of my mind was always this feeling that “it’s too much”. Of course Catherine is beautiful, beautiful in every way. Compassionate, funny, opinionated, strong and admirable. But in an entirely different league to me. I idolized you; I still do. That’s why I love your writing so much, why I always need to know what you have to say.

Then I met you. And whether it was what I knew of you already or not, I instantly fell for you. You didn’t have to say a word, I had heard enough. You can’t begin to conceive how utterly gorgeous you are to me. You can stand up beside anyone and still shine in my eyes, because I know your beauty goes all the way through. I just know.

Spending a weekend with you awoke things in my mind I buried back in May. Catherine is far too bright for me, I told myself, and she’d never ever be interested in me. I had honestly, completely reassured myself of this for so long that by the time it came for me to finally come to see you, I had no ulterior motive. I was coming to see someone I hoped would be my friend. I would be honoured to be the friend of someone like you. It would be one of the best moves in my life; to be friends with this one girl.

But I turned to mush when I saw you again. The long coat, flowing black hair, pale soft skin, the face of an angel. The city, the river, the rain, the wind, the cold. Everything as I’d imagined it. Catherine in her front room, barefoot, pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, curled up on a soft chair. Long fingers holding a class while sitting so perfectly on a sofa. The reassuring tones, gentle voice, clear, soft words. How incredible you are, there on the chair.

You can see why I might feel a little inadequate. I was in awe of you for two days, knowing full well that it would never be reciprocated because I was me. I’ve never known myself to find someone exceptionally attractive in so many ways and have them like me back. I’ve come to accept it. And it was for the best, because to get my hopes up so high would be only postponing the drop. I could never ever kiss you. To do that would be to set in stone a new path. One where you could shun me and I’d lose you in my life. Another where you might possibly feel the same, but only for a short time. Then you’d be another gravestone in the barren yard that is my love life, and I never want that.

So you see I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you so much I shook with utter fear. You rose above everything else in my life, and suddenly I realised you, just the thought of you, could change my life forever. Someone I was developing chemistry with, someone so delightful to be around. Someone I could drop everything and run to. I hugged you and you hugged me and I can still feel the simplicity of your embrace. The tightness of it, it made me want to cry. I turned slightly and kissed you on the cheek as your hair covered your face like a veil. And there was the moment; as the queue went around us on the platform, I could have kissed you. A thousand times since I have, but I couldn’t do it then. If I did, we’d both be on a road that would be so rocky to begin with and so obstacle-ridden, you could very soon be another golden but finished chapter in my short life. A wonderful footnote. And I don’t want that. I was so scared of losing you I couldn’t kiss you.

I made an effort to punch the wall on the way to the train. I was lost and adrift. I was so upset my eyes began to water. I haven’t cried in public for years, maybe ten years. And you moved me that much.

I lie so much when I talk to people, small inconsequential lies that I include for various petty reasons. And I’ve just realised that when I was with you, I never lied once. I couldn’t, but more than that; I never even thought of doing it. I can’t remember the last time I was like that.

And you moved me that much.

j X