Do the right survey (1)

RIGHT NOW

Wearing: Trendy faded jeans, grey jumper with black arms, socks, thong, bra, not really wearing jumper, or jeans, wearing socks though.

Music: Craig David “What’s Your Flava?” The guy is deadly, partly due to his new video which manages to create a world that can only be described as Willy Wonka meets Puff Daddy (not many vids can claim that) but mainly because I like Bo Selecta! so much. This guy wears these huge latex masks and one of the characters is Craig David except he’s from Leeds and then there’s Michael Jackson, whose catchphrase is “Charmone, motherfucka!!” and does these stupid stunts in a sketch called “Michael Jackass”. And then there’s this squirrel sketch and…..I furking lurve it!!!!

Thinking: Are Elaine, Sinead and Sarah in Bali and are they ok (there were two bombs there today, by the way). They were going there in between landing in Thailand three weeks ago and arriving in Australia on the 25th. So I don’t know……

Feeling: Hungry. Not too worried about the Bali thing really, just concerned.

LAST THING YOU

Bought: A load of chocolate during my last break at work, including the highly dangerous practice of a slab of Dairy Milk. Also texted into the “Eur A Winner” competition, which cost 25c and thus could be described as something I bought. Didn’t win anything though.

Did: Went to answer my phone, it gave one ring and stopped. Doing that a lot lately, I think I might be a stalkee.

Read: “A Secret History of the IRA” by Ed Moloney. Only started it the other day, gave up on Niall O’Dowd’s “Fire In The Morning” a while ago but I’ll get back to it.

Watched on TV: Bo Selecta!, Will & Grace before that, mainly because I think Karen is the most beautiful piece of American sitcom ass I’ve seen in years. And she’s so funny. And so sexy and funny when she starts talking about her and Angelina Jolie on the back of a Harley. The Office is just brilliant, you can just smell the freshly-cooked observations that went into it. It’s so agonisingly, painfully funny in a tickling kind of way i.e. you wouldn’t laugh out loud at it but I wouldn’t hold that against it. But Gareth is my favourite. And Tim. Oh, and Dawn……oh and….no, that’s it really. Don’t watch much telly apart from Sky News, which don’t count.

EITHER/OR

Club or house party: House party, clubs are just an expensive way of standing and occasionally shaking my flabby arse, which no-one wants to see. House parties; they have the playful innocence of a childhood birthday party with the inherent naughtiness of “wanna go upstairs and…..chill?”

Tea or coffee: Tea. It’s gorgeous.

High achiever or easy going: So easy going I’m easily gone.

Cats or dogs: Neither, let them run free and enjoy themselves.

Single or taken: Single, looking *ahem* Still accepting offers of casual sex/fumbling until the closing date, which has yet to be determined.

Pen or pencil: Pencil, but preferably 1H because HB or more just blunt way too quickly. Blunt isn’t a verb, I know, and this entire answer was Alan Partridge speaking through me.

Food or candy: Food, I never got sweets. As in understood sweets. I mean, I know what they are but like…..I only ever bothered with “shooin gum”.

Cassette or cd: CD, cassettes are right bastards.

Snuff or cigarettes: Actually I’d like ten grammes of coke, crushed-up Nytols and some Ketamine when you’re ready.

Coke or Pepsi: Oh God I’d never touch Coke. And Pepsi is just sugar, Castrol and water.

Rikki Lake or Oprah: Oprah, who likes to watch herself a bit too much. I like watching her not notice how pathetic, megaliomanical (new word!) and ignorant she is.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO

Kill: Gavin Lambe-Murphy. I always have and always will.

Hear: I’m not gonna go there.

Look like: A mix of Sandy from Big Brother and Fat Matthew Perry.

Be like: I like various aspects of lots of people, I couldn’t narrow it down to one.

FAVOURITES

Food: Meat-filled pastry (not in a Jason Biggs way), snap crackers with bran and Dairygold. Oh Dairygold, how I do love thee? Let me tell you how much. I bought some Dairygold Light and it was gick. Mam barely tolerates me eating butter (I’m the only one in my family that uses it) so I put up with it for a while, intending to go back on the hard stuff when it ran out. Only what did Mother do only buy me butter for the first time in two years and wasn’t it only more Dairygold Shight. So I had that too, which took me six weeks because I’m the only user. Last week, I ran out and while the parentals were in Mayo, I bought some proper, full-strength Dairygold, put it in the freezer til it turned into a brick, melted the old butter out of the Light container, unloaded the nice butter brick and transplated it into the Light box. So know I’m wolfin down the full strength illegal butter right under her nose and she’ll never know because she never eats it. I know what you’re thinking; I’d make a great murderer and I should have whacked Lambe-Murphy years ago…….

Alcoholic drink: Heineken, Jack Daniels will never pass my lips again unless it’s bought for me during a holiday and I’ll feel obligated to down it. It will, as usual, result in me getting rowdy, randy and thoroughly unpleasant but there yar now.

Colour: I like brown, navy, black, grey……y’know, stuff.

Album: This month it’s By The Way by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I suspect Badly Drawn Boy’s forthcoming Have You Fed The Fish? will eclipse this, but for now my decision stands.

Shoes: Brown moccasin/deck shoes. I just luv dem. I can’t wear anything else! I paid €95 for a pair of Kangols in March and have worn them every day since. I have no regrets. So there, something definite out of me for a change.

Vegetable: Well I know Kerouac like courgettes because they’re more sensitive to her needs as a woman and they call the next day, but for me it’s gotta be the humble potato.

Fruit: Apple