Insomornia

(aka morning insomnia)

I usually have a lie-in on Saturday, waking at 11am or so. So I’d normally be awake by now. Trouble is, I’ve been up since 8am. This little laptop, with its extremely-fast start-up and general convenience (it’s about the width of 3-4 hands, if that makes sense) makes internet wandering a bit too tempting. By wandering, I mean going on the net and just aimlessly clicking from site to site, never outside the dozen or so I stick to. It’s a stupid habit, almost as bad as my never-tidying my side of the bed thing.

So I’m actually a bit tired now but I have to get up. We have Catherine’s parents up at us and an excursion to Glendalough is planned. Up and over the Dublin mountains and south to this, well, glen. Our poor clutch will be in shit.

I have this survivor guilt lately, this gnawing feeling that I don’t deserve all the good fortune that’s come my way lately. I got a completely unannounced bonus last month, it almost doubled my wages and….I just felt weird afterwards. During the boom years, I had escalating personal debt (never much over a grand but still, outrageous in my mind) and lived from payslip to payslip. But since we’ve gone into recession, I’ve been promoted, I’ve been spending money on pictures to hang on the wall, I’ve bought this laptop, I might even buy a lawnmower this weekend. And the hits keep coming. I should be amazed by all this, but instead I’m deeply nervous. If I’m getting my financial shit together, then the world really is going arseways.

I just feel like I’m living in a dreamworld and that reality is just around the corner, revving its engine like a Dutch maniac in a Suzuki Swift*.

*Too soon?