Tonight Matthew…

I had something else to say after but then anyone else who reads Popbitch can tell you. Or you can ask Catherine. But the arrest of Matthew Kelly (host of UK talent show Stars In Their Eyes, where people like Tammi, a 23 year-old “typist” from Chatham, says “Tonight Maffew, I’m going to be Martine McCutcheon”) on child abuse charges is far too serious a matter to jest. I saw a programme about Jonathan King and his brand of paedophile posing as popster-ism is so sickening. If it’s found that Matthew Kelly was involved in all that, I’ll be disgusted.

That said, this is my space. And do you think I’m going to tell you what I was going to say up there? You Bet!

”Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Badly Torn Boy…..”

There. I said it. It gave me quite a giggle indeed. But I in no way condone such behaviour. Do I need disclaimers on an internet diary? I did lots of libel law when I was pretending to try and be a journalist and I do have this urge to put “allegedly” before anything I’m not sure is true. Allegedly, for example, the Bee Gees did a lot of coke in the early 90’s and allegedly Chris Rea is recording lots of new material because he’s dying and wants his family to be taken care of with all the royalties. Allegedly.

Speaking of the Bee Gee’s, their 2003 “Staying Alive” tour tickets are now one third off. And with Maurice Gibb now dead and buried (with a “Father Ted” boxset), the remaining Gibb brothers are re-recording an old hit. “How Deep Is Your Bruv?” should hit the shops soon….

God I’m being tasteless this evening. Catherine’s very funny with my tastelessness; she initially goes “eww!” and then starts giggling and before she knows it, she’s laughing. She’s lovely……but yes, ok so tastelessness is something I think can be so hilarious but at the same time, can sometimes make me go “eww!” before breaking down laughing. Popbitch satisfies that side of me a lot; the have very topical tasteless pictures rustled up by some bored mediafolk every day; one showed Michael Jackson appearing to hold a gun to his baby’s head. Then there was the time Rio Ferdinand was moving to from Leeds United to Manchester United, much to the annoyance of Leeds manager Terry Venables last summer. Popbitch showed a picture released Jamie Bulger killer Jon Venables in front of a picture of the statue of Jesus overlooking Rio de Janeiro with the headline “Venables Agrees To Rio Move”……

*prepares for angry notes*

The fact is, some people like their humour with a bit more of a kick, just like some people like their cocktails with less umbrella and more um…vodka! It’s not to everyone’s taste, that’s all.

Truth Stranger Than Fiction: A disturbing development in the world of pop, courtesy of Popbitch.

T.A.T.U. (or Tatu, I’m not sure) are this pair of Russian lipstick lesbians in the charts right now with “All The Things She Said”. Their video features the pair of them dressed as schoolgirls doin the lady-lovin’ thang, lissing, stroking etc., in a mis-guided effort to look sexy. If the PR blurb is to be believed, these girls are 17 and 18. Now. The video was made in 1999, as any regular viewer of Eurotrash would know since they were featured in the “let’s poke fun at those daft n’ dirty Continental types” show around then. Which means they would have been, if the record company is correct, around 14 and 15 when the video was made. Does this make it child porn? And if so, am I committing an offence by viewing it on MTV? Or is the record company full of shit and they’re actually both 24?

Now on to more important business. My cousin Michelle, who is 20 or nearly 20, is arriving from London this Wednesday. I took a week off work, since Sis will have a long weekend and we’ll want to hit the town with the young lady now that we’re all legal and able to get pixalated (thanks Grungie!) just about anywhere. The problem is, Sis isn’t off til the Friday and I have to think of something to do with my cousin (stop sniggering, I’m not from Leitrim) for the Thursday and possibly Wednesday too. Ice-skating immediately comes to mind, but my dodgy knee might seek revenge for such a reckless venture. But can anyone think of where to bring a girl two years younger than me to in Dublin? The temptation would be to show her to The Porterhouse, one of my favouritist pubs in the Big Shmoke where you can sink pints actually made downstairs. That’s a bit of a cliché, but it’s kinda touristy and maybe that’s what she’d like. I mean, she’d hardly appreciate Blanchardstown would she? All the shops she knows and loves, only charging in euros. Might be intriguing. Sometimes I wonder if Brits walk into an Irish shopping centre and feel like their in some alternate reality where the UK has the euro. I thought that when I was in Cork; Patrick Street could easily pass for any British high street. Is this some kind of angry, anti-neo colonialism rant? No.

But the cousin thing is interesting. I think I’ve said this before, but I can’t be arsed recalling properly; family is a unique opportunity. I don’t know many other 50-ish people as well as my parents, I hardly know any 18 year old girls that well other than my sister. And as for this cousin coming this Wednesday; she’s the only English girl I know around my age. If she wasn’t my cousin, I’d simply never know anyone like her. So that’s kinda cool. Still, I’m a bit worried about it all.

It’s a test. And at the end of it, next Sunday week, I’ll get to hop on a train to Cork and stay down there til Wednesday. “Late Wednesday”, as Catherine immediately added (just before I did!). I was supposed to spend an entire week entertaining Michelle. But it’d just be hell. I’d be always thinking “I could be in Cork right now with Catherine”. So I’ll just do it, despite the Marge Simpson-esque disapproving growls from Mammy. Family is all very well, but this year should be about me getting what I want for a change. That sounds selfish, but I’ve compromised for too long. It’s time I reached out and grabbed what I want. And I want her.

j