100% Honesty pt 2

The very last person I spoke to about this was Jaki. I was tired of having my hopes up but not knowing if it was true. So since she and I were friends to begin with I asked if I could call her. She said yes and we spent nearly the next three hours talking. She had revealed that she felt he still cared about me, that she was confused and didnt know what she felt for him. She also told me that she wanted to go to the US, here to California with her friend Cazz. Who’s boyfriend was going to pay for both girls to come over on their uni holiday. The time Byron was supposed to go to New Zealand to meet her. She also told me about this accountant guy she had feelings for. When I described to her how I felt about Byron how my sould recognized him, that I knew with out a doubt that he was my soulmate, the “one” she told me that’s how she felt about the accountant. Like that, with out a doubt of question. I did ask her how she could have that feeling but still want to see about Byron. Its a feeling you cant deny. She said to me she rarely got to see the accountant because he did business back and forth from NZ to Australia. But she did go on and talk about him rather happily. By the end of the conversation she had told me that the next time Byron talked about me she was going to tell him that she only wanted to be friends because seh felt that the accountant was the one for her and that I was the one for Byron.

Of course in my perfect world that would have been what happened and Byron would be mine again. Of course God doesnt let my perfect world exsist he does things his way. Last night I asked Jaki about it. She still seemed confused but had decided she wanted to see what if with him. BAM! My last hope gone. On top of that I learn Jaki’s friends Cazz, her boyfriend was going to fly Byron over here with them. To California, bringing Byron here, with in an hour of me and I would not get to see him, hold him, nor kiss him. I officially did not like her. That last part drew the line of what I can take, from her, from a friend, from him, from a lover, from anyone. I gave up, finally. I was done. I finally realized exactly how much he was or has played with my emotions. He now has a reason to hate me and push me away. But he doesnt need it. Im walking forward and I will not look back. Love him I do, but love myself more I must do.

From my view on things with how well I know him and what Ive learned about her it appears as two people who feel they need love so badly that they’ve found each other and invented a fantasy world around it. So that they can find a common ground between them that most likely doesnt exsist. I have learned that he has not shared with her his hurts over his ex-fiancee, the mother of his daughter. This is something I feel still causes him pain. I know something that she has told me about her past, I’m not sure if she’s shared with him though. What I see in his not sharing some of the most important things about himself, like he dropped out of high school, like he heas a daughter, like he was engaged to his daughters mom, and the pain given to him when she left him and had another boyfriend with in an hour. I dont even think Jaki knows he loves to cook. All these things that make him, him. It makes me feel like instead of learning from the past he is running from it. I also feel that he may love me, as much as I love him, but fear of opening up and trusting me that much he can not do right now.

So this fantasy world they have created together of being past live loves, and that she has had a reading done and she was told that they would end up together just not ment to do so for another ten years, and this emotional bond/link thing they have. Its a fantasy to hold them together. If he truely was able to feel her emotions then he would feel how she feels about the accountatn. Who I think she truely likes but is using Byron because he is available. Like to talk to and have companionship while the accountant is not around. If he could truely feel her emotions he would be able to know how she felt about him the night her and I spoke on the phone, he would know that she isnt sure how she feels about him. All I see in him is a need to excape his past. I had spent a few phone calls with him talking about that I didnt want to be this reason to run away from the past.

Knowing him as well as I do for he allowed me to know him as no one had in a long time this is exactly how I feel he is acting. And right now I do not need to sit and wait for his fantasy world to colapse. If he needs to do this, I will no longer fight his need. But I will also not sit and wait. If he gets his head straightened out and he finds he truelly loves me one day, and I am not involved with anyone and everything in my life is what it needs to be and he is where he needs to be, then and only then will I take him back. May it be in 60 days or 60 months. I’m not even saying that he will ever love me like that again, just that I know he did for he opened up to me the way he did, and if he ever does we will both need to be open to making things work. I’m over the anger, the hurt, and the false hope.

(continued on the next entry)