A Natrual Woman

Went with my friend Kelly, someone around here I actually like and consider a friend. Anyhow we went off to see her perform last night at the Lunar Bowl’s bar. She sings, or so I always thought she was claiming to sing. So she had made the semi finals for this kereoke competition, and last night me and a friend of her’s Stephanie went to watch her. She sang Dixie Chicks “Some Days you Gotta Dance” and well rocked ass.

So she had finals tonight, and I encouraged her to sing Sin Wagon by the Dixie Chicks because its a much harder song to sing and I had faith she could do well, I didnt really think she should sing Fiona apple or anything else like that she was considering because most the people at the bar well, they are from the midwest, and country suited the audience well last night.

She sang A Natrual Woman by Aretha Franklin. Let me tell you, I’ve had friends who have really wanted to sing and did the choir thing and what not, but Kelly, Kelly kicks ass with her voice. She sang it so awesomely, hitting the high note perfectly.

So in this competition there were only a few people that could have beat Kelly, but instead Kelly won. $300. Way kinda cool for her since she doubted she could do well enough to place let alone win. Well she did, so she’s going to try for the $1000 competition that starts next week.

Anyhow, I’ve still not been called for work at the IRS, its starting to make me nervous, I hope I get called this year. I quit my job at the water company today. I dont know what’s come over me other than feeling completely like shit.

Im trying hard not to get down, but since my up was good my down isnt looking good. I’d like to get on board at the IRS so I can get my health insurance started.

I’ve been feeling meloncholy last few days, today was a bit more than yesterday. My mind hasnt stopped racing though so that’s a bad sign for my anxiety. I keep thinking of the crap I did while I lived in Oceanside, and while I used to drink so much.

I was feeling really guilty that I let my friends blow weed smoke in Aethena’s face. Last night I couldnt fall alseep because I kept thinking how aweful I was to her while I lived in Oceanside. I was a horrible pet owner. I miss Aethena, despite having Bear I miss my cat. Bear is more Justin’s cat. When Justin’s not at home Bear will wander the house mau’ing for him. I have to call to him to let him know Im still here but he’ll still wander the house for awhile until he finds some kitten spastic thing to switch him into “murder death kill mode”. Yeah, so I miss my own shadow, Aethena, I can’t wait until my mom can get her this way for me.

I’ve decided I dont want to marry Justin. Not because I dont love him, but because I dont want to have the hassle of getting married.

Im running totally out of hope for anything romantic, and well I’ve come to some idea’s that I was way over romantic, not just hopelessly, but helplessly romantic. It was bad. I dont want to wish for things that will never happen.

Im also feeling really unattractive. See Kelly’s friend Stephanie is heavy set, she’s pretty in the face but heavier than me, and all the guys that are here right now well, its only Josh now, but well he’s trying to pick up on her. So she also had some guy hitting on her at the bar. So yes, I feel really unattractive.

I dont know what happened, I didnt used to feel so ugly, then again, I was really really bad then, so maybe I was just as ugly then as I am now, only I dont seem so desperate for attention, that I’d fuck any guy who talked to me. Which was not the case, I did have a lot of sex back then, just not with EVERY guy who hit on me.

Blah.

Goodnight