And the glass is empty…

Two nights ago, Alexander told me he had feelings for that girl he defended in my entry “Tears of anger or hurt?” He never really said he was leaving me for her.. but I simply said ok. I let him go to her. Weird to say that we never really said we broke up, but we did. Odd. Anyways we are attempting a friendship and its weird because he is so touchy still about things. Like.. well I dont know what like. Im not sure if I just simply bug him. He is the one who wants to stay friends, but well. I dunno. I was in complete hell yesterday over it all. I hurt so bad. But I have come to realize soemthings.

I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Like now it doesnt matter if Im myself. Because he cant get pissed at me for it anymore. I was so worried about losing him that I lost myself. I didnt want to argue with him so I stopped expressing how I felt when he did things that bothered me. I started to allow him to become disrespectful to my feelings. Not that he was rude or anything, he didnt know how it affected me because I didnt tell him in fear he would get pissed. So its not his fault. But to say the least, I miss him, I hurt when I think about how he might be telling all his friends about her now, or how he might be sitting someplace online telling her what he used to tell me. He did once believe I was his soulmate, now he feels she is. I still feel with out a doubt he is mine, but well I love him so much, that I dont want him unhappy. If I was what was causing him unhappiness then I didnt want to be. I love him so much I let him go. This is different from Andrew. I knew the girl Andrew cared about didnt like him in the same way. But well this time, it hurts, because I truely love Alex as I have never loved anyone else before.

And I’d rather be his friend than to see him disappear from my life completely. Im trying to accept the break up with my chin up, I fail sometimes and I cry. It hurts. It hurts like a pain Ive never felt before.