Continued racing thoughts

and as in the end of my last entry was cut off despite the fact I still had seven characters left to write before I stopped, proves, Im moving to this entry here.

So as I was saying before, my boss whom had never had a child with M/D or had it herself she doesnt fully understand that its harder to just do something. Im not overly worried about being fired, except that I dont want to disappoint Linda, because I really do like her as a person. I dont really care about the job much so it wouldnt hurt my feelings to lose it, its just yeah I dont want Linda to think poorly of me. Happens to me a lot.

I fear disappointing others so much that it really does not help the cycle of depression and anxiety. Which of course does bring about the cycle of mania which I am currely floating through.

Odd, but I feel like cleaning the house. I usually do when Im manic. I also can feel being tired in my eyes except my brain wont let me slow down enough to sleep. I wont sleep until Im so tired I can no longer do anything but sleep. It sucks, because then 4 to 5 hours later I’ll be up again and rareing to go for hours and hours, and on the few occassional nights an entire day. 24 or more full hours before my mind is so unable to do anything I must sleep.

I wish it would have been three hours ago. Im racing and I dont want to be. I’ve not even had any caffine since like dinner time and usually that wont affect me this long. Justin doesnt understand fully I dont think, although I truely wish I could go wake him up and make him sit with me. I get lonely when Im up by myself. I miss Aethena, she was usually exceptionally good company when I was manic. TV is dull and I’ve got nothing of interest but role playing books to read. I tried reading the White Wolf Sabbat Table top vampire book, but it was kinda boring, too much history and just boring facts. Not really written in a “Fictional” story type, so it was hard to want to read. Kelly’s bi polar, and if it wasn’t so FREAKING cold outside and she wasn’t pregnant, its not my roommate Mike’s baby either so dont think he’s gotten her pregnant that fast, I’d ask Kelly if she wanted to go walk. I can walk alot when Im manicy.

I remember lots of nights with Tauheedah walking, me because I was manicy and we got drunk, her because well, I always felt the need to walk and she would just go along with it to get out of her house, because neither of us had cars at that time. So walking, and walking all over our neighborhood. Cool part about living in Hanford was it was not dangerous to do so at three am in the morning. I live in Sugar Creek now and despite being near Independence and Kansas City, I could VERY safely walk all over my town. I’d have to becareful the raccoon or deer didnt get me but that’s about it. I live in a SMALL town, small enough we have DEER, surrounded by a large metropolis city which does not have any deer. Quirk of missouri that I love, absolutely love. Now if they would hurry up and catch up with the times and outlaw all smoking in public places including bars and clubs I’d be happy.

I really do wish I had someone to talk to. Im rabling here because I do not have anyone to talk to. Quite sad.

Im going to attempt to end this entry, but I have a huge suspicion that if I cant find any of my friends online I might be back.